New Beginnings

I have been looking over old blog posts the past few days, and found this from 2011…

’It hit me like a tonne of bricks, and it wasn’t triggered or brought on by anything specific… it just came out of nowhere…I struggled to choke back my tears in an attempt to hide my overwhelming feelings from my honey. But, as always, it didn’t work, and quite shortly after he had kleenex in hand as I let out some tears on his shoulder…. He asked me what was wrong, and I couldn’t really give him a straight answer, other than I get really tired of all of this some days.. Gone are the days that I have any memory of what it is like to live a life without pain… and for the most part I have accepted that. It took me a LONG time and a lot of work to get to this point – but I do know the chances of me living without pain are slim. I have moved on from searching for a cure, and now try to focus on MANAGING the best I can with what I have been given… but some days it feels like what I have been given is a sentence of a life behind bars… only it isn’t iron and steel that keep me imprisoned, it is pain and medication.’

It made me think of how far I have come in the last 8 years, yet how I am still in the same place. I HAVE evolved and grown so much during this journey through illness and pain. And yet, like grief, the process is never actually complete. And in moments, I am back to exactly where I was so many years ago – on the couch, tears in my eyes.

I AM still really tired of all this, some days. And I am still beyond the point where I expect to live the rest of my life without this pain. Unfortunately, hope dies. Or rather, realism becomes a more solid foundation to continue building your life around. It becomes too painful to HOPE that this will be any different than it’s always been. Because it never really is any different. I just have periods of time where I cope better.

Some days this feels more like a sentence, and less like a life. And that just isn’t good enough for me. It feels like time wasted, life not lived, memories not made, and potential wasted – I am 45 now, and this is the only life I have to live. I keep saying it, but it is so true, I don’t want to live my life on pause.

So I am BACK. Graceful Agony is back. My desire to build a community of compassion, understanding, and growth has returned. I KNOW I am not alone. I know I can contribute to this world. I think my story may resonate with others. I, at least, want to try to give back what has been given to me. I believe, at our lowest moments, we are so much more than we realize.

So….. Keep your eye out for some new and exciting things from me! I may be several years in to this journey, but really this is only the beginning. I have barely scratched the surface.

Xoxoxoxo – Jolene