What you don’t let others see

I don’t know when I adopted this coping mechanism. I don’t know why. I am not sure whether it is because I am trying to protect those around me, or if it is something I do for myself. But lately, I am constantly reminded of it.

I don’t let a lot of people see all that is ME when I am in a lot of pain.

I wear a mask. I put myself together. I make sure my hair and makeup is done. I wear a smile. I try not to complain. I use my manners. And if I just cannot find the strength to do these things, I simply hide. I don’t answer my phone. I stay in bed. I want to be all alone with my pain.

I try not to outwardly show what is manifesting inside.

I do not let people see…

I have spent many years watching the impact my journey has had on those around me. The emotional component of that takes a toll. I have often said that it makes me feel like the perpetrator in all of this. Even though I have no control, it is hard for me to see what this does to others around me. Being in severe pain is an all-encompassing and helpless feeling. However, there is nothing more helpless than watching my husband BEG me through tears, to tell him what he can do to help, when there is nothing that ANYONE can do to help me in those moments.

It is hard to know that my parents worry, lose sleep, and cry tears over the pain I feel. Especially, when I am parent myself. I can only imagine what it would be like to watch my own child suffer the way I do. The thought is too much for me to bear.

I have watched people walk out of my life, because they just couldn’t handle the way my illness impacted my relationship with them. Yes, this happens far more than what most people realize. I cannot count the number of people who have walked out of my life in the last 15 years. People get tired of hearing about it. People don’t understand the phone calls that cannot be returned, the texts that go unanswered, the social gatherings that you cannot attend. They simply walk away. And it has left me questioning myself.

So I haven’t always let others see the hardest, ugliest, most raw, and vulnerable moments.

The logical part of me realizes that WE ALL build up our own walls to hide hard, ugly, raw, and vulnerable moments. But WHY? WHY do we spend so much time, energy and effort HIDING our humanness from everyone else, when they are just as human as we are? Do we live in such an Instagram, air brushed, filtered and unrealistic world that we are terrified of imperfection and we just cannot be REAL with one another?

So here I am, surrendering myself to vulnerability and judgment, by living out loud, no matter how ugly that feels sometimes , when I am struggling through illness and pain. I don’t have the answers, but I do know this – I don’t have the energy to keep hiding all the things that make up ME. I am not perfect. I struggle. I am not just my good days. I am not always happy. I am not always smiling. And I am not the only one who cries in the shower to protect the people I love from my tears.

Maybe, if we let people in, and have the courage to be ourselves in every moment, no matter what that looks like, we are giving others permission to do the same.

– Jolene xoxo