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I went to bed really angry with myself last night. It’s clear that I am still far too hard on myself some days….
I conserved ALL my energy yesterday because I knew we had to head out to the mall after we picked up our little dude from school. I was really proud of myself that I had enough foresight to pace properly throughout the entire day. Some days I am pretty good at doing so… Others, not so much. But yesterday I was on top of everything (Or so I thought). I made sure I took adequate medication, I made sure that I rested throughout the day… I even mapped out the WHOLE mall inside my head, from one end to the other, I had a map of where I absolutely NEEDED to go, and a corresponding list of things I needed to get. THIS time a trip to the mall was NOT going to knock me on my rear… end…
I knew I was hurting really bad yesterday, but I wasn’t going to let it stop me. I was going to be in control… I was going to be productive… I was going to conquer my pain….
Pulling up to the mall, I knew EXACTLY where I wanted to park, and where we were headed…. There was a method to my madness, and my boys, knowing me the way they know me, didn’t let out a peep. We parked where I wanted to park, got out, and began our shopping excursion…
We were looking for a suit for Little Dude… he is 9. Have you ever tried to find a good quality suit on a budget for an adult let alone a 9-year-old? Can you say NO SELECTION! The poor kid had to try 4 of them on in the first store we went too… and he wasn’t all that happy about it. The first suit was WAS too small, so I had to go fetch another… The second suit was still too small, so I had to fetch another… and so it went. By the time the fourth suit hit the change room door I was starting to get cranky, and I had sweat dripping off my nose… So did my son….
So off to the second store we went….
Now I was REALLY starting to hurt by this time, and it kind of caught me off guard. I mean of course I knew that I was sitting at about an 8/10 on the pain scale BEFORE we headed out to the mall, but I wasn’t going to let THAT get in the way. Have I also mentioned that I can be really pig-headed as well? Sorry, it runs in the family. 😉 My legs were REALLY burning, and I was really confused. Why all of a sudden are my most comfortable boots feeling like 6-inch stilettos? Go figure.
I started to walk faster….
I needed to get to where we were going as fast as I could because I already felt like time was running out, and I had 11 other things on my list to still do…
We ran up to the children’s clothing section, and I started to grab suits off the rack in a frenzy… trying not to grunt and groan audibly as not to tip off my honey that I was already done in…
The first suit didn’t fit….
The second suit didn’t fit…
The 3rd pair of pants fit, but the jacket didn’t…
Okay, I am on to something, or so I thought. Maybe I need to buy the pants and jacket separately, so I head off to the coordinates…
The 4th pair of pants that were the same size as the 3rd pair were and they were WAY TOO BIG!!
Oh lord, how am I going to get through this…. I started to feel a lump well up in my throat… I can’t cry in the Kids Department of Sears… I CAN’T CRY IN THE KIDS DEPARTMENT AT SEARS….
My honey, feeling my stress level spike, started looking through racks himself….
My son sat down pant-less in the change room, and waited as patiently as he could….
By the time we were on our way to finding SOMETHING that worked, the change room looked like a bomb hit it, and there was a trail of navy and black fabric out the door.
We ended up with 2 pairs of pants that fit, and 2 shirts that fit… No Jacket. I felt like I had failed.
The boys were getting hungry, so we paid for our purchase, took the pants to the tailor so that they could be hemmed, and then we decided we were going to head to the food court… GREAT IDEA! It would give me a chance to sit down and catch my breath!
But we never got there….
Now I am one to almost always push through just about anything when I can, because I very well know the feelings from living the opposite way. I once spent over a year being almost entirely bed-ridden, and it was the hardest time I have ever gone through – to date. I am usually the LAST one to admit when I am NOT okay… But my honey knows me so well, there isn’t much I can get by him. A quarter of the way to the food court, as I was limping and now grunting with almost every step, I asked him to please slow down….
He said “That’s enough. We are leaving. We can do EVERYTHING on this list another day”.
I got mad. REALLY MAD. But not mad at him. I was really angry with myself. WHY couldn’t I suck it up just long enough to get my son a burger and go look at shoes? Why can’t I just look like all the other busy Moms that were fluttering about the mall? This was NOT the plan. I was supposed to conquer my pain, conquer the MEGA-MALL, Conquer the line up at the Food Court, and STILL have enough energy to find a cute pair of kitten heels and have a wonderfully relaxing glass of wine with my honey when we all got home. And instead, I am near tears, black circles around my eyes, limping back to the car as my boys were trying to hold me up.
This is so unfair.
By the time we got home, I was doing everything I could to just hold on. My heart was racing, and the pain was so bad I was praying out loud. My little dude should have been proudly putting his new clothes away, and instead he was concerned about me… My honey stood by helpless, asking me what he could do to help… ANYTHING he said, just tell me how to not feel so helpless….I felt like a failure again.
Once I got my meds on-board, and my little dude off to bed, I sat down on the couch, and checked my email, chatted with an old friend, and went to bed. All the while I was fuming, I was just so furious with my LACK of control. I laid in bed in the dark and starting talking to myself, and realized that I NEVER had the control in the first place. And being a failure is not a part of this equation. I can only ever do my best. Some days my best doesn’t look the way I want it to, but I need to accept that it is all I have got to give in this world.
Today, I have made the commitment to more gentle with myself. Jolene, BE MAD AT YOUR PAIN – but don’t get mad at yourself. They are not the same… That has been my mantra for the past few years, but I am human, and I make mistakes.
I thought that I had already learned that lesson,
I guess I still have a long way to go…
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