The Beginning of Graceful Agony

I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was the very end of 2009. The Christmas decorations were up all over the house. The lights on the tree were sparkling on that cold winter day. My son was building his new lego set on the floor in the living room, thanks to Santa. My husband was in a post-Christmas coma in the recliner. I think I probably had a cup of coffee in front of me. I always do.
I would like to think it was a happy and festive time, However, after years of struggling with my health, I was at the absolute pinnacle of frustration.

And I was feeling very very alone.

Now, to backtrack a little, I have always been a writer. I remember getting a Smith Corona typewriter for Christmas when I was 14 years old. And for the sake of sounding entirely too dramatic, that typewriter forever altered my path. Writing very quickly became a passion, an outlet, a form of expression,.and an integral part of who I was then, and who I am now.. I spent a lifetime, locked in my room, clicking and clacking, and escaping, and creating. Anyways, I digress…

So here I am, in my living room, it is 2009. Christmas has always been my most favorite time of the year. But I was at a total loss… I was feeling invisible, frustrated, nisunderstood, alone, let down by the medical system, and really angry. And I didn’t know what to do about it. I called my mom and dad and was venting my hit-the-wall sort of frustration. And my mom simply said, in her infinite wisdom ‘Joey, you need to start writing again’.
And the seed was planted…..

And it changed everything, for me. Literally, everything.

I know what I am going to do, and where I am going to pour all of these things out, once I take the cork out of the bottle (my bottle was ready to explode). I’m going to start a blog! Who knows if anyone will read it, but that doesn’t really matter, does it?

That night, I shared my idea with my husband and son, and immediately they were on board. My son, who was 8 years old at the time asked me if I knew what I would name my blog. I hadn’t really thought that far…. Oh god, yes, I guess I need a name!

It felt as important to me as naming my child. It was personal, and permanent, and the decision wasn’t to be taken lightly. I thought long and hard about what kind of name would encapsulate this journey for me, who I was as a person, and what I wanted to share with the world (or the 3 people who I thought would likely read my posts LOL). It took days of constant soul searching, but when it hit, it HIT, and I connected with these two words in the deepest part of my soul.

Graceful. Agony.

Maybe people wouldn’t understand? Maybe it would be lost on those around me. But it made PERFECT sense to me. It was serendipitous when it finally came to me. IT was who I am, and who I will be. It was a name that represented all things BEFORE that day, and will represent all things AFTER that day. It was a name that would inspire me to evolve and grow.

Graceful Agony.

So I walked into 2010, knowing that I had a new project to work on, and a new found sense of passion amd commitment to myself. This was something that truely belonged to ME. This is something I WILL create, and develop. MY brain child. Graceful Agony… so, here we go!! Let’s see where this journey will lead!

I quickly had to figure out HOW to blog, and teach myself all the ins and out. I found a host. I quickly became both real and raw. And that was scary! But, I jumped in head-first, and posted for the first time in January of 2010.

I held my breath, leaping first and looking second in many ways, guided by the faith that I was exactly where I needed to be…

Stay tuned for Part 2.

#gracefulagony