I Don’t Know

How are you?

Are you okay?

I honestly don’t know how to answer those questions anymore. They seem like such benign questions. Any self-respecting gal would answer “I’m good!”, “I’m great!”, “Busy, but I am doing okay”, or at the very least, the dreaded “I’M FINE”. You know people are generally NOT fine when they say they ARE fine, however it is the socially acceptable and less awkward way to end the conversation. Regardless, most people come up with a response pretty quickly… Don’t they?

Yet, I am entirely at a loss when I am asked how I am doing these days. AT A COMPLETE LOSS. The best I seem to come up with, is the truth. After awkwardly looking at the floor, and nervously biting my lip my answer lately has been…

I don’t really know how to answer that question?

It makes some people uncomfortable. And that makes me feel even worse. But the thing is, I am not a very good liar. And I respect people far too much to lie to their faces. So what is a gal to do?

Do I tell the truth, and tell them that in some moments, I am barely hanging on?

Do I tell them that it is all I can do to smile in that moment, when the nerve pain in my body is so horrific, it is almost bringing me to my knees?

Do I let them in on the shameful secret I have? The secret that my brain sometimes doesn’t work, and I go into neurological meltdown. Putting sentences together can sometimes feel as exhausting as running a marathon. How do I phrase that, exactly?!

Do I explain that it may look like I am really anxious, but in reality, my resting heart rate is up to 130 beats per minute, because that is what pain does. It triggers every system, and it sets off a fight or flight thunderstorm in my body. I have ABSOLUTELY no control over it. I am not trying to look socially awkward, but it is all I can do to just concentrate on my breath, and hope I make it through today.

Because it sometimes feels like I won’t make it through today. Today sometimes feels too big, too loud, too scary, too painful to conquer.

HOW do I answer when someone asks me if I am okay?

I don’t know….. THAT is the answer.

Don’t

Know.