For those of you who don’t know how blogging works, or more specifically how WordPress blogging works – I have what is called a “Dashboard” from which I can manage this site. I can see who has signed up for email updates, see my blog stats daily, weekly, and monthly, and I can also see ‘search terms’. What this means is if you search a term in Google and find my site, I can see what it is you typed in to find http://www.gracefulagony.wordpress.com … For example these are a few common searches that will bring you here:
“Graceful Agony” (Obviously)
“Chronic Pain Support”
“Fibromyalgia Blogs”
It is a really neat thing to be able to see, for the most part. It helps me understand who is finding me on the world-wide web, and what it is they are looking for. I usually check my stats each day – and I can tell you that on my really bad days, it is truly motivating to see how many people are sharing in my experiences, regardless of whether they leave comments or not… Day or night – I KNOW I am not alone.
Yesterday when I checked in, I found a really disturbing ‘search term’ sitting on my dashboard… it was glaring off my screen… Try as I might, I just cannot let it go. It makes me horribly sad, and I wanted to address it here… this is the search term that someone entered to find me:
“Best drugs for suicide”
Now you might be asking yourself WHY on earth would that be linked to my site somehow? – But I can explain that. I wrote an article recently about the risks associated with the drug Tramadol – one being a higher suicide risk… because of that the word ‘suicide’ is now linked to my page. Make sense?
Now I have NO idea who it was who used this search term, and what brought this person to sit down at their computer and look up “best drugs for suicide” – but no matter how I look at it, it seems like a huge cry for help. I am thinking that you have to be in a pretty low place in your life to be looking up that sort of information…. 😦
So here is my open message to the person who found my site this way, or to ANYONE reading my blog who has had those thoughts…
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reach outside yourself long enough to ask for help. You are NOT alone… there are SO many people who have struggled with this sort of depression and feelings of hopelessness… but the good news is that is a fight that you can win… It is okay to admit that you cannot handle life at this very moment without some support.. WE ALL feel like that at times… YOU ARE NOT ALONE… And there is NOTHING that is as bad or as permanent as ending your life. It is always dark before the dawn… and take it from me – nothing ever stays the same… change is always occurring, even when you cannot feel it… It seems trite to say that things will get better.. but they almost always do.
Depression is a VERY serious and debilitating illness – but there are many forms of treatment… suicide however is not one of them.
1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
1-800-273-TALK
1-800-667-5005 (Canada)
1-800-273-8255 (Canada and the USA)
Pick up the phone and make the call today… It is the first step… there are people who are waiting to help you.
Wherever you are today – please know that you matter.. your life matters… and there are people who truly care. The sun will rise and shine again, I can promise you that… I have seen it happen in my own life, and so will you…
LOVE to all my readers today…. I hope you have a peaceful weekend!!!
Graceful Agony 
Good for you for not ignoring this topic!
I myself fight those feelings regularly and have had the phone in my hand ready to call a couple of times.
I live with fibro so i live with pain and feelings of uselessness and being a burden …funny how i know how to commit suicide painlessly yet cant live pain free.
Im lucky enough to have a spouse to lean on,i really dont think id be here still if it wasnt for him.
This topic should be discussed more openly i think and dr’s should hand out this info at the same time as handing out other literature concerning our illnesses.
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Hi Michelle,
I am so happy to see you here! How are you doing girl? I haven’t been on Twitter as of late, so I have been missing you.
Thank you so much for sharing in this thread… I think it is SO helpful for others to know they are not alone. I have been there too… and I am now on the other side, and things look brighter from this perspective. I believe that Chronic Pain and depression go hand in hand… and depression is just another symptoms we have to battle through… WHO wouldn’t be depressed when they live with pain each and every day?!? I have felt useless, and I have convinced myself that I am a burden on everyone around me…. but reaching outside myself has made me realize that that isn’t true…
I think I will post on this topic again, It does need to be discussed more openly… it isn’t something to be afraid of… if we can remove the mystery and stigma on suicidal ideation, maybe there is a chance we can help a WHOLE lot of people.
Love and hugs to you Michelle! SO happy to ‘see’ you again!
XO’s
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Jolene,
I am sad to read that a “something” found it’s way to your blog. Sad as it is i will ignore the sicko and continue to read and enjoy your blogs. You are adorable not to mention a very talented writer.
Go forward and don’t look back,
Nancy
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Hi Nancy,
Thank you so much for the beautiful compliment… I really appreciate it! I LOVE writing here on my blog, and it is remarkable that so many people share in my experiences here.
Moving forward…. HUGS AND LOVE
Jolene
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I had something similar happen with my blog…and I found the girl and talked to her online for several weeks…she assured me she wouldn’t kill herself. I sure hope that was the case. Very sad. I myself have been to that low level…infact I must admit it crosses my mind daily that my family may be better off if I wasn’t here to be a burden…but I would never act on those thoughts…I usually just try to switch my brain into thinking positive thoughts and on what I am grateful for….and the things I don’t wanna miss in the future!
Nice blog Jolene…putting the info out there…just in case! You are such a kind and caring person!
xoxoxo
Hope ur having a great weekend!
Tammy
http://spicyt.wordpress.com
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Hi Sweetie….
That is incredible that you found the girl who found YOUR site that way! You are an inspiration! I am sure you helped her more than you will ever know.
I don’t know if the person that found my site this way has come back – but if he/she has, I hope that they see the support they have here. I think we have all been there at times in our lives, and we can share in that and provide so much hope.
YOU my girl are instrumental in MY life… so I am so happy that you are here… my life wouldn’t be the same without you.
XOXOXOXO
Love ya hon!
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Wow! I’m not sure what I would do if I were in your shoes. It is awful that someone gets to a point where they believe the only out they have is suicide.
It isn’t the answer. I’ve been there and done that. Took over 100 codeine pills in my 20’s. I thought I wasn’t worth the dirt on the bottom of your shoes. I just wanted to go away and stop hurting.
I’m glad you did a post on it. In my case, no one talked about it back then.
Hope you are having a great weekend and getting lots of cuddly action from all three of your loves!
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Wow hon! It sounds like we have an amazing group of women here that have ALL been there….. You are SO lucky that you recovered from that (and WE ARE lucky too! 😉 ). I think at times it is easy to become desperate, especially when dealing with severe chronic pain… but suicide is not the answer. It is NEVER the answer. If people who have achieved suicide could only see what they leave behind, and all the people this action devastates…. not to mention the life that is wasted. We are all here PURPOSEFULLY, I honestly believe that… and it is always darkest before the dawn.
There is still a stigma attached to this form of depression… I think if we keep talking about it we can demystify this illness.
Love ya! I think Lucy has started eating the couch…. gotta run!!
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Dear Jolene,
I have not blogged in a while as my life is in complete turmoil right now.
After having read this entry, I sit here crying. My life has been like that for years. The reason for the turmoil in my life right now is that I am fighting my way OUT of that depressive way of life. It’s so easy to get bogged down in pain, meds, doctors, all the things chronic pain sufferers deal with on a moment to moment basis. It so easy to forget there is a world out there that does bring joy at times. If we lose sight of joy, the world becomes a VERY dark place. I lost sight of it years ago.
At this point I am sad about some of the changes I need to make, sad that they will effect not only me, but determined to change my life enough to stop sitting in the abyss. After I was diagnosed, I think I gave up trying to function even when I could. I sat in that for over 10 years.
To the person who found you through that search…..look for the joy in life. No matter what that might be for you, or even how tiny it may seem at this point, find the joy. Sit in the joy, study it, let yourself feel it thoroughly. Then ask yourself if you really NEVER want to feel that again. Forget about the hurt for just a second…whatever is causing your pain, just forget it for a second…you can take it back if you really want it….but for just a second, think about something that you have or could have that can only be experienced ALIVE. Really think about whatever it is that makes your heart sing…..music, laughter, touch (this is a HUGE one for me), friends, babies, pets, beautiful flowers, art….whatever that is, think about that. Then, if you choose, increase the time that you think about JOY every time. Think about finding ways to get more of it in your life, no matter what that means giving up. Then, when you are ready, start adding those things to your life…even little bits at a time.
I agree with you, Jolene. Please, whoever you are, call the number. YOU are important to us. If you check out now, you have no idea what you will be missing out on, or how much pain you will leave your family in, or just how much JOY there really is to be felt.
There really are people out here who care.
Thanks for your consistent blogging, Jolene, your helpful, encouraging advice, and most of all the pure, love filled heart that shows through in your posts.
~Julia
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Julia,
Your comment left me in tears… thank you SO much for sharing all of that, and for having the courage to speak out…. We all go through these feelings (especially those who live in pain everyday, albeit physical or emotional… or both). We truly have the power to reach someone if we reach outside ourselves and SHARE our own hope and experiences. YOU my girl are an inspiration…. you truly are!
I wish I could blog more regularly, but this puppy has different ideas for me every day! 😉 I hope that I can get back into the swing of things soon and be a bit more active here….
Hugs and love to you Julia… thank you so much for all the support and encouragement you give me, and for being YOU openly and honestly… it takes courage to be like that sometimes… I am blessed to know you.
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