Isn’t she cute? Isn’t she the most adorable, sweet, innocent looking puppy you have ever seen?
Um… think again.
I absolutely LOVE my Missy Moo Moo… My Lucy-bum… My little LuLu…. So please don’t get me wrong… but HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!! Her NEW Nickname is “Lucyfer” (Lucifer)… and it has been WELL Earned.
Now I don’t know if it has just been a long time since I parented a toddler through the ‘terrible 2’s’ stage or what… but I am ready to have a nervous breakdown!! Could this psychotic furry gremlin be the same sweet and sleepy puppy that we adopted almost 4 months ago?!?!?
This is how my morning has gone so far….
Woof… WROOF… Whine, whine whine….
WROOF!!! RUFFFFFF RUFFFFF!!!! WWWAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I look at the window first to see if the sun has come up yet, because her new favorite thing is waking up the house before the roosters around the world have opened their eyes…. The sun is up… so I know it is sometime after 6am… I lay in bed for a few minutes hoping that she will go back to sleep.
YAP.. YAPP… YAPPPPP…. RUFF…WWWAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Crap… Okay, I am getting up… I try to turn my sweaty, sore, STIFF body over and out of bed… THUNK… oh hello little dude, when did YOU crawl into bed with me??
WOOF WOOF…. YAPP YAPPY YAP YAP YAP!!!
Okay, Okay, Okay Lucy.. I’m coming… Once I figure out how to crawl OVER little dude without waking him up….
WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE….
I hurdle myself OVER little dude (I swear getting out of bed in the morning when you have Chronic Pain is akin to a full-fledged Olympic Sport… I can see my scores now… 5.7, 7.1, 6.9… but I digress) put my feet on the floor… Are my feet on the floor? The nerve pain is so bad this morning that it is hard to tell… they feel like they have been dipped into the deep-fryer at McDonald’s down the street… Okay, feet are on the floor, and I am somehow propelling myself across the bedroom to Lucy’s pen…
I step on a ball, a crumpled T-shirt, A hard chew toy, and stub my toe on the bed frame… GOOD MORNING WORLD!!
I open Lucy’s pen – and she decides that THIS will be a wonderful time to play hide and seek… She runs to the far end of her pen and gets down on her belly, her stubby tail keeping time to my now POUNDING heartbeat…. COME GET ME MOM!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!! I can hear her evil little laugh in my head… oh lord, I haven’t had enough sleep for this….
I try to bend over at the waist… and get stuck… Bend with the knees… and take a swipe…. I missed her…
I bend over again, and feel the burning all the way down the back of my legs. I swipe. Lucy moves. Damn, I missed her again…
I guess the third time really IS the charm, because I blindly grab, and catch a fist-full of fur… She is warm and soft, and for just a moment I become disarmed… until her teeth sink into my hand….
That’s me this time… not her…. I carry her out of the bedroom as quietly as I can (aka muttering under my breath), and take her out into the living room… I say “Lucy go to your Pee Pad”, as I know her tiny little bladder must be overflowing. She heads her way, and I head my way.. INTO THE KITCHEN! I NEED COFFEE!!! I remember I left my book on the coffee table last night, so I momentarily turn back around so I can grab my book and read a few pages while I wait for my coffee…. umm…. what is that smell?
CRAP!! Figuratively and Literally… On the carpet beside the couch…. Sigh… This isn’t how I wanted to start my day.
I bypass the kitchen all-together, head for the bathroom to get a roll of toilet paper, and just about step on Lucy as she is dancing proudly at my feet… LOOK WHAT I DID MOM!!!! I don’t even turn on the lights in the bathroom… I have done the toilet paper grab and dash a million times since Lucy moved in… I head back to the living room… and step in pee… CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!
Fast Forward five minutes… the puppy poo is cleaned up, the spot remover has been sprayed and scrubbed into the carpet, and I don’t have to worry about stretching this morning… I naturally go into Downward Facing Dog pose as I pick up all of the toys that impede every step… for the love of God – I NEED COFFEE…
I put my cup underneath the dispenser (we have a Tassimo machine), put in the espresso pod, press the button, and put my head on my hands that are grasping the counter… a moment of peace and quiet….
WRARFFF!!! WRARRFFF!!! WWWAAARRRRFFFF!!!!
YOU ARE GOING TO
FINE LUCY.. I will come sit with you on the couch… I grab my coffee, my meds, and head out of the kitchen…
Step… Lucy is now trying to take my whole foot in her mouth and shake it all about… it is WAY to early to be doing the Hokey Pokey with my 3.5lb dog…
I sit on the couch, and Lucy jumps up and into my lap…. Ya, that’s it baby girl.. let’s have some cuddle time!
WHEN IS TEETHING GOING TO END???
Lucy eyes the cat, and it’s game over… I watch the race for a few seconds before understanding that Lucy isn’t going to win this one… WAP! Lucy gets clubbed over the head by a closed paw…
She didn’t appreciate that one.. and goes skulking off… Okay.. NOW a moment of peace and quiet… I think I will turn on the news and check my email….
What was that noise??
I pull myself off of the couch… groan… that hurt… I shouldn’t be moving yet let alone running after the dog this early….
She got over the barricade, and I find her in the darkened laundry room, eating through the package of Toilet paper we just bought 2 days ago… She looks up at me, startled, with big innocent eyes… and a 4 inch piece of TP hanging off her face… Nice try Lucy…
I pick her up, scold her, C-L-I-M-B slowly over the barricade myself… and head to back to the couch… my coffee is now getting cold…
She looks like she is going to settle down finally… she walks around the coffee table, and I think she might bed down on the floor… but she takes an abrupt right turn and ends up behind our over-sized chair… Lucy come here girl… Come on… Come see Mom…
Shit, what is that smell…
I GET UP FROM THE COUCH AGAIN…. GO GET THE TOILET PAPER AGAIN… AND CONTORT MYSELF TO GET BEHIND THE CHAIR TO CLEAN UP THE MESS… Grrr… Lucy if you are going to play with the toilet paper, at least use it to clean up after yourself!!
After my third trip to the bathroom in under 20 minutes (one trip was purely selfish if you know what I mean), I grab my coffee cup, chug down the cold coffee, and head to the kitchen to make myself another… THIS TIME, I promise myself, I am going to savor the rich, hot, ceaminess of a cappuccino…
WWWRRRUUUFFFF!!!!! WWWRRUUUUFFFF!!!!!!! PANT PANT WAG…
WHAT NOW LUCY?!?!?
SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH Whine… SCRATCH SCRATCH… Bark Bark….
She is trying to get back INTO the bedroom… She maniacally thumps the door as she whines and barks like she is being beaten…
I try to jump over the barricade that we have placed at the entrance to the kitchen, and don’t make it, running into it and twisting my ankle… Funny that Lucy has no problem getting over them WHEN SHE IS THE REASON WE HAVE THEM UP!!
I give up…..
The door to the bedroom slowly opens, and I see my little dude standing there, rubbing last nights sleep out of his eyes. “Good Morning Mo…. OUCH LUCY STOP!!!!”… She has now grabbed a hold of his foot and is saying Good Morning with her teeth…
“LUCY STOP THAT!!!!!”
The bedroom door opens again, and punctuates the end of that sentence when it closes….
“Good Morning Angel… has it been a long morning already?” he asks that question meekly… He doesn’t really need to ask it as it was his turn yesterday to get up with the dog….
It isn’t his fault, but his question triggers something in me, and I almost LOSE my mind….
I excuse myself, and hide in the bathroom for a minute… breathe in through my nose…. OUT THROUGH MY MOUTH…
The barking stops…
Walking on egg shells, I slowly make my way BACK into the living room…. AGAIN….
It is silent….
And Lucy is dead asleep….
on the back of the couch…
AFTER ALL OF THAT??? You HAVE to be kidding me!!
Sigh… Maybe I have time to drink my coffee now….
“Angel, what is that smell?”
Here we go again….
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