To my Doctors office that is… 4 appointments in four weeks starting today…. Sometimes keeping my appointments feels like a full-time job.
Maybe I should just move in? *note my sarcasm….
I just don’t feel like I am getting anywhere lately. It is two steps forward, two steps back… two steps forward, two steps back…. I am doing an intimate dance with my pain everyday. It pushes me, I push back… and like I tell my little dude all the time – someone has to be the bigger person and end a bad situation. If he was having an argument with one of his classmates, I would tell him that it will go on forever unless someone ends the cycle… Funny that I cannot take my own advice at times… I need to end this vicious cycle I have gotten into with my pain, but I get to the point where I don’t know what else to do BUT react every time the pain picks on me.. it pushes me… I push back…
My meds haven’t been working for a while now, and I have been taking over-the-counter meds in between all my other meds to try to take the edge off… and those don’t work either. I am not going to start playing pharmacist at home, so I am going to stop taking drugs of the over-the-counter variety and try to trust in the process… which is really hard to do when you are in desperate pain.
My Doctor is compassionate as she speaks with me, but I don’t know if she truly understands what it is like to live this life. How can she?
My Pharmacist is sympathetic when he talks to me, even when I raise my voice and form clenched fists in frustration. He truly wants to help, and I am sure he gets frustrated when he can’t.
‘BUT THIS IS CLEARLY NOT WORKING!’ I am trying to vocalize through tears… this pain is too much.. and I am tired.. and I need relief… And NO, I am not depressed, I am ANGRY… I do my best to live the most balanced life I can, but I am human. I accept this is my life, but can’t I have moments of resentment and rage? Isn’t that better than being complacent and unaffected? At least I am letting myself FEEL… and then when the cork is out, and all the contents spilled.. I will pick up and start again.
Sometimes I wish I could just move right in to my Doctor’s office, so she could get a better picture as to what this life is like at times… I know nobody can walk in my shoes, but I wish they could, if only it would give them a glimpse of what living gracefully with agony feels like. Sometimes ‘Grace’ isn’t in the equation. Sometimes I have UGLY moments… Sometimes this pain would be too much for anyone to handle – not just me.
Sigh…
I have 3 more appointments booked between now and December 1st….
I hope my next appointment is a little less frustrating.
I hope to be much more “Graceful” next time….
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Graceful Agony 
Oh boy does this ring true with me,last month 2 dr visits,2 blood clinic visits and a mammogram.Last week dr called twice to try and get me to make a follow up appointment.Maybe something from the blood work… but i dont drive and public transport is something i avoid so i have to call in favours from neighbours and friends for a car ride and it adds to my guilt.
I think hubby thinks im looking for more health problems but im not.I hate going to the dr,before fibro i went once a year and only then because i was on the pill.
Its exhausting and sometimes feels like theres no way out once your in the medical system.I know they are trying to help but its a constant hassle of new medications,filling prescriptions,battling side effects etc etc .
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You don’t have to be more Graceful next time, Jolene. We know how you feel, believe me, we all know how you feel. It’s frustrating, disappointing, depressing and those don’t even cover the pain and misery we feel. Honestly? I wish I could go to a Dr. that has chronic pain; THEY would get it, they would understand and not think we are imagining it or are selling the drugs on the street. They would BELIEVE and support us. That’s why I went to a female ob/gyn…..same idea. You also don’t have to stay strong every moment. We are all here for you, gentle hugs and warm thoughts.Hope tomorrow is a better day. I also have doctor appointments several times this week alone. Laurie
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Oh sweetie, you’re way too hard on yourself sometimes. Grace is hard enough to accomplish when you’re NOT in constant agony, and you’re exceptional at it.
The medical system is not set up for people like us, and it fails us constantly, refusing to treat our pain and assuming that we’re exaggerating to get drugs. It’s a miracle that we don’t break down more often, and I seriously expect that one day someone will get pushed too far and instead of simply committing suicide because they can’t take the pain any more, they’ll end up “going postal” in a doctor’s office.
I hope I’m wrong, but I’m really afraid that it’s going to take something horribly drastic like that before the medical establishment actually starts paying attention to us.
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Sweetie,
Thank you for that. I’ve been reading these comments the last few days, and they have been a reminder for me to be a little more gentle with myself. You are right, the medical system isn’t set up for people like us. I don’t believe it is set up for anyone to tell you the truth. It is very strategically set up to fail all of us, because that way it pads their pockets, makes them more money… HEALTH is the biggest business there is, and it is corrupt.
I also believe something bad will have to happen before anyone pays heed… and even then… We don’t live in a very compassionate society anymore, do we?
Sigh… I am trying to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.. what else do we do?
xoxoxo
Hugs sweet friend.
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Hun, I hear your frustration, and I empathize with you. Doctors don’t get it. Most people don’t get it. I’m so sorry that you’re having such a rough time right now. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You are such a marvelous person. You can’t expect to be ‘graceful’ in all circumstances – your pain is real and it is agony. You are doing the best you can. If you need someone to vent to, I’m always available – I mean it. Blessings to you, dear one.
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Jamie,
Thanks doll. I AM trying the best I can, but some days my best doesn’t feel good enough. I’d be lost without you all – your support keeps me going on my really bad days.
If only people could get an accurate glimpse into our lives… I think it would scare most people, and help them to understand.
(((Jamie))) Hugs to you my friend. Thank you for listening and understanding.
xoxoxo
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I understand your frustration. This has got to be the worst! I just hope this fricking pain lets up. I REALLY hope you get the medication that you need.
I wish I could help you!
xoxoxox
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That makes two of us, because I wish I could help you as well!! We might not be able to change it for one another, but we can get through it together sweet friend.
xoxoxo
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This pain just won’t let up for you will it? Don’t let it break you down, it’s gonna try, it’s gonna try hard.
I have been exactly the opposite with my doctor appointments lately. I have cancelled visits with both my endocrinologist, and my neurologist because I just don’t want to deal with all the bull$#i$. Make the apointment, hope and pray that I feel good enough to go, get to the office on time then sit there forever to get called. Argue with the receptionist about your insurance information….which they always have right anyway. Then I pray that I have the strength to get home without having to stop to use a bathroom. I know I need to take better care of myself, but I am really getting tired of the doctors saying the same things over and over, ordering the same tests over and over. I just need a break right now. (Not to worry, I am taking all my meds, and I will follow up with these doctors soon)
I hope you get some answers from your doctors and all your appointments end with good news.
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Thanks Mo… This pain has been picking on me for awhile, and I tell you I am certainly DONE with it, and ready to find some relief. It is starting to take a toll…
I can relate to canceling appointments, or wanting to anyway… At times I just want to ignore all of this and NOT deal with it. To go even a week without having to deal with any of this would be heaven! I also could benefit from taking better care of myself, but sometimes I think I just want to be a rebel.. to thumb my nose to al of this and live a ‘normal’ life, or at least as normally as I can… but that never seems to last very long.
I also need a break. I hope you are getting a well deserved one…
xoxoxoxo
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Hi Sweetie, I’m so sorry you keep hitting that damn brick wall and don’t understand why your dr.’s can’t seem to find a suitable pain control system for you….I’m frustrated for you darlin and so wish I could help you some how…all i can do you is keep you in my heart and pray that you will find some kind of relief really, really sooon!
Just a thought but you said you feel you should move into your dr.’s office so they can see what goes on first hand….. why not have your honey vidoe tape a typical day in your life from morning to night ( not the whole day per say but just enough for them to get the idea ) How hard the morning is, doing some housework and times when you don’t see Tim recording you when your just tapped out and can’t do anymore. A virtual visual reality as they can’t see what you go through on a first hand basis. Don’t know if they would except that but was just a thought!
Be well pretty lady and hang in there…. :0) xoxo
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Hi Sweetie,
How are you doing?
Thanks for your encouragement, it means a lot. You actually have a really good idea! Wouldn’t Doctors treat patients differently if they had a window into our lives?
I think I am going to start documenting things better and not use generalizations in appts. It doesn’t seem to work as well as I would like.
I hope you are hanging in as well… xoxoxo
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Just another FYI for you sweetie……no matter what, I have never met a more “graceful” woman than you! I do like Starlene’s idea though….that is a wonderful idea. Maybe then they’d get the idea.
xoxoxo my friend……..
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❤ ❤ ❤
I LOVE YOU MY DEAR FRIEND…. Thank you for that…
xoxoxo
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I’ve had it with doctors too, at least lately. I told my Rheumatologist that the medicine he prescribed for me didn’t work; it was too strong and made my stomach icky. I asked for something LESS strong and you know what? He didn’t give me ANYTHING. Does this make sense to anyone? It doesn’t make sens to me.
Also, the only doctor I want to go to now is one that HAS CHRONIC PAIN, and Fibromyalgia. Show me a doctor who feels what we are feeling and I would travel to see him or her. I’m frustrated too. Hang in there Jolene, you are graceful in any situation. Me? I’m not feeling very graceful at all. Love, Laurie
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Laurie –
I’ve had that happen lots of times. The doctor decides HE knows best, and if you don’t want to take what he gives you, you can just suffer. The last rheumatologist I saw wanted to put me on an antidepressant, and when I told her I can’t TAKE antidepressants because they cause manic episodes, she wouldn’t even DISCUSS any other option, just told me I’d have to go to the mental health clinic and have a shrink put me on a mood stabilizer so I COULD take it. (Excuse me bitch, there are lots of other meds for fibro, that WON’T put me in a mental hospital . . .)
I had a gynecologist once who said I had pre-cancerous changes and either had to stay on birth control pills for the rest of my life or have a hysterectomy. When I told him to schedule the surgery because birth control pills triggered migraines, he wrote the script anyway and told me I WOULD take them. A week later I called and told him I’d had a migraine for 4 days and had been puking for two, schedule the fucking surgery or I’d find someone who would. Pissed him off so bad that he sent me home two days after surgery with pain medication he KNEW I was allergic to, and refused to replace the script. (That was back when they actually had to slice you open for a hysterectomy.)
I’ve seen HUNDREDS of doctors over the last 30 years (every time my ex’s company changed insurance, he’d switch to the cheapest option, and I’d have to change doctors . . .) and have only found a few that would actually LISTEN to me. Most of them think they’re fucking god, and wouldn’t know a decent “bedside manner” if it bit them in the ass. I’ve lived in this body for 51 years, and I KNOW how certain medications affect it. They may have a medical degree, but WE know our bodies a hell of a lot better than they do, and they need to start respecting that.
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