When I woke up yesterday morning, it only took seconds for me to check in with myself that all familiar BURN followed by the throb… yep, it is going to be THAT kind of day…. again….
I don’t know what is harder, to be hit OUT OF THE BLUE with a nasty flare, or to live with one for a very LONG time… I think they both are horrible to tell you the truth. That incapacitating FLASH of pain that takes your breath away vs. the 95th day that you wake up and the flare hasn’t ended…. It starts to wear on you, wear you down, take away dignity and self-respect (why does it do those things? Is it a bad case of Fibro Guilt? I will leave that for another post on another day…). It just ends up being too much to deal with each and every day without reprieve. That is normally how my life is… I will have 3 good days, and 6 months of pain-hell.
And yesterday was another one of those days…
I stumbled out of bed and limped to the kitchen to make myself a coffee, and take my meds… There is no waiting today, I thought to myself.. Today is my little dude’s birthday…. Please God don’t let my pain mess this up…
Of course my little dude was already up… he had been up since 3:15am!! Mental Note: Next year, do NOT let him open his present the night before… and don’t get him something that can actually OCCUPY 6 hours of his time in the middle of the night… get a football, or a bike or something… not a video game system, and especially not a hand-held video game system that he can smuggle anywhere he pleases at 3 in the morning…
Once I was up, I was all smiles… HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE DUDE!! But inside was a completely different story… groan, grunt, sigh, blah… oh and why is it I can only turn my neck to one side today and not to the other?? grunt, groan, wince…. I cannot let this ruin today…
I hopped in the shower, hoping above all hopes that my meds would kick in, and I would get relief… but that time didn’t come… out of the shower, hair and make-up, a birthday phone call from the Grandparents… and nothing. NO RELIEF AT ALL. I promised my son a birthday lunch wherever he wanted to go, and that was what I was going to do… I just needed to somehow put this crap aside for a few hours….
I forced myself to walk to the Restaurant as it was a beautiful day. Holding hands with my little one, I could feel the throbbing start to take my breath away – but I kept trying to ignore that part…
As soon as we were seated, I started rifling through my purse for something… ANYTHING to take… a Tylenol, Motrin, something with codeine… hell if I had a Vitamin C I would have tried that just for the placebo effect! I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT…. HELP…. PLEASE GO AWAY…. (Am I the only one who tries to make deals with my pain? Yes, I speak to my pain… maybe I need help of another kind!).
And then a calm came over me… I sunk back into the booth-seat, dropped my shoulders, took a deep breath, and stopped fighting…. And instead of engaging my pain in conversation, I engaged my SON in conversation…. ‘So what has been the best part of your birthday so far dude?’… We sat and chatted for an hour and a half… casually ate our lunch… I even ordered a coffee and dessert!! I normally don’t do that because I am way too sore by then, and just want to get up and get moving….
We held hands on the way home, taking the long way, walking through leaves and breathing in the warm Autumn air. It felt really good. My Pain was still VERY present, it still wanted to pick on me… but somehow I felt like I was in the driver’s seat… for the first time and a REALLY long time.
The rest of the day was lazy… My little dude went back to playing with his birthday present, and me, well I went back to being picked on by my pain…. but I am thankful for the short while that I could give my undivided attention to the greatest love of my life, and not the agony….
I woke up this morning with that all too familiar burn once again… followed by the burning… and funny enough I now can’t move my neck AT ALL…. Sigh…
But today as I am bullied by my pain, it will be somehow easier to take. My pain didn’t bully my son yesterday… and that is what matters to me.
And if you are curious, THIS is what a Nintendo DSi Hangover looks like….
I swear he can sleep in ANY position!!! Ha! Ha! Ha!
What a great way to end a wonderful day!!!
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