Posts Tagged ‘Coffee’

Ahh I remember the good old days… The days that existed before pain.  It isn’t easy for me to go back in my mind and think of those days very long.  It hurts.  A lot.  My body might not have any visceral memory of what it felt like to live without pain, but my mind does if I let it.

In those days the only limitations I had were cash (or lack thereof) in my pocket and a mandatory 4 or 5 hours of sleep per night, other than that the world was in the palm of my hands, or at least that is how I remember it anyhow…

I spent HOURS on the phone making plans for EVERY night of the week.  If I wasn’t out dancing, I was out for coffee with a girlfriend.  If I wasn’t out with a girlfriend I was enjoying the peaceful evenings browsing through the mall and fantasy shopping…. I planned vacations… I had friends… I had a social life… and then that all changed.

First I became a Mom, and settled down – but I changed my life because I wanted to…

Illness changed my life without asking my permission.

The things that I once loved to do hurt too much.  I couldn’t do them anymore.

No more dancing, no long trips to the mall, and coffee dates ALONE replaced those with friends because I never knew until the last-minute if I could go to a coffee shop or not… so when I can I just go myself.

I was thinking today about how I have changed my comfort level in the past 5 years… each time something gets taken away by my pain, I grieve over the loss – but I have no choice BUT to move forward somehow.  I have to move forward.  I don’t think I necessarily accept any of it, I think it is quite the opposite actually, but turning off somehow and becoming complacent is sometimes the only defense mechanism I’ve got.

So I numb myself out, and try to convince myself that I am fine just the way I am….

That I will never need anymore than what I have….

That my existence is completely fulfilling….

Until I realize that my comfort level is so teeny-tiny now, I don’t have room for anything outside of this little box.

I get up and spend the first hour of the day with my son and send him off to school, I take my meds, I sit on the couch and blog, email, read… and then I pour another coffee and knit for a while… and then I take more meds…. and then my honey leaves for work and I am ALL alone except for my pets…. and then I pour myself another coffee…. and then I get on the computer for a while…. then I go pick up my son, come home, and knit for a while before dinner… and then I take my meds…and well, you can just keep repeating that until bedtime save for a few moments that keep me sane.

My honey loves me immensely, and he gets me out of the house on his days off.

My little dude loves me too, and he likes to sit at the coffee shop with a book and a cookie while I get my java and a little background noise…

But it is all the same really.

When did I lose so much of myself?  Where did the fun-loving effervescent girl go?

She is hiding in the teeny-tiny box she put herself in…..

Now others may not see me this way at all, but you would have to ask them for I have no perspective than my own.  But when days turn into weeks, and week turn into months and the pain doesn’t let up – I brace myself against the world, I brace myself against EVERYTHING to protect myself from more pain.

Social anxiety replaces confidence….

And the teeny-tiny box gets even smaller.

But knowing the problem is half the battle as they say.

Maybe I need to change things a little for MYSELF….


Maybe it is time I get a little uncomfortable……

Because I’m telling you… Comfort sucks sometimes.

I miss me some days.


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Not as Innocent as she looks!

Isn’t she cute?  Isn’t she the most adorable, sweet, innocent looking puppy you have ever seen?

Um…  think again.

I absolutely LOVE my Missy Moo Moo… My Lucy-bum… My little LuLu…. So please don’t get me wrong… but HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!  Her NEW Nickname is “Lucyfer” (Lucifer)… and it has been WELL Earned.

Now I don’t know if it has just been a long time since I parented a toddler through the ‘terrible 2’s’ stage or what… but I am ready to have a nervous breakdown!!  Could this psychotic furry gremlin be the same sweet and sleepy puppy that we adopted almost 4 months ago?!?!?

This is how my morning has gone so far….

Woof… WROOF… Whine, whine whine….


I look at the window first to see if the sun has come up yet, because her new favorite thing is waking up the house before the roosters around the world have opened their eyes…. The sun is up… so I know it is sometime after 6am… I lay in bed for a few minutes hoping that she will go back to sleep.


Crap… Okay, I am getting up… I try to turn my sweaty, sore, STIFF body over and out of bed… THUNK… oh hello little dude, when did YOU crawl into bed with me??


Okay, Okay, Okay Lucy.. I’m coming… Once I figure out how to crawl OVER little dude without waking him up….


I hurdle myself OVER little dude (I swear getting out of bed in the morning when you have Chronic Pain is akin to a full-fledged Olympic Sport… I can see my scores now… 5.7, 7.1, 6.9… but I digress) put my feet on the floor… Are my feet on the floor?  The nerve pain is so bad this morning that it is hard to tell… they feel like they have been dipped into the deep-fryer at McDonald’s down the street… Okay, feet are on the floor, and I am somehow propelling myself across the bedroom to Lucy’s pen…

I step on a ball, a crumpled T-shirt, A hard chew toy, and stub my toe on the bed frame… GOOD MORNING WORLD!!

I open Lucy’s pen – and she decides that THIS will be a wonderful time to play hide and seek… She runs to the far end of her pen and gets down on her belly, her stubby tail keeping time to my now POUNDING heartbeat….  COME GET ME MOM!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!  I can hear her evil little laugh in my head… oh lord, I haven’t had enough sleep for this….

I try to bend over at the waist… and get stuck… Bend with the knees… and take a swipe…. I missed her…

I bend over again, and feel the burning all the way down the back of my legs.  I swipe.  Lucy moves.  Damn, I missed her again…

I guess the third time really IS the charm, because I blindly grab, and catch a fist-full of fur… She is warm and soft, and for just a moment I become disarmed… until her teeth sink into my hand….


That’s me this time… not her…. I carry her out of the bedroom as quietly as I can (aka muttering under my breath), and take her out into the living room… I say “Lucy go to your Pee Pad”, as I know her tiny little bladder must be overflowing.  She heads her way, and I head my way.. INTO THE KITCHEN!  I NEED COFFEE!!!  I remember I left my book on the coffee table last night, so I momentarily turn back around so I can grab my book and read a few pages while I wait for my coffee…. umm…. what is that smell?

CRAP!!  Figuratively and Literally… On the carpet beside the couch…. Sigh… This isn’t how I wanted to start my day.

I bypass the kitchen all-together, head for the bathroom to get a roll of toilet paper, and just about step on Lucy as she is dancing proudly at my feet… LOOK WHAT I DID MOM!!!! I don’t even turn on the lights in the bathroom… I have done the toilet paper grab and dash a million times since Lucy moved in… I head back to the living room… and step in pee… CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!

Fast Forward five minutes… the puppy poo is cleaned up, the spot remover has been sprayed and scrubbed into the carpet, and I don’t have to worry about stretching this morning…  I naturally go into Downward Facing Dog pose as I pick up all of the toys that impede every step… for the love of God – I NEED COFFEE…

I put my cup underneath the dispenser (we have a Tassimo machine), put in the espresso pod, press the button, and put my head on my hands that are grasping the counter… a moment of peace and quiet….








the boys…..

FINE LUCY.. I will come sit with you on the couch… I grab my coffee, my meds, and head out of the kitchen…

Step… bite

Step… chew

Step… growl

Step… Lucy is now trying to take my whole foot in her mouth and shake it all about… it is WAY to early to be doing the Hokey Pokey with my 3.5lb dog…

I sit on the couch, and Lucy jumps up and into my lap…. Ya, that’s it baby girl.. let’s have some cuddle time!



Lucy eyes the cat, and it’s game over… I watch the race for a few seconds before understanding that Lucy isn’t going to win this one… WAP!  Lucy gets clubbed over the head by a closed paw…


She didn’t appreciate that one.. and goes skulking off… Okay.. NOW a moment of peace and quiet… I think I will turn on the news and check my email….


What was that noise??

I pull myself off of the couch… groan… that hurt… I shouldn’t be moving yet let alone running after the dog this early….


She got over the barricade, and I find her in the darkened laundry room, eating through the package of Toilet paper we just bought 2 days ago… She looks up at me, startled, with big innocent eyes… and a 4 inch piece of TP hanging off her face… Nice try Lucy…

I pick her up, scold her, C-L-I-M-B slowly over the barricade myself… and head to back to the couch… my coffee is now getting cold…

She looks like she is going to settle down finally… she walks around the coffee table, and I think she might bed down on the floor… but she takes an abrupt right turn and ends up behind our over-sized chair… Lucy come here girl… Come on… Come see Mom…

Shit, what is that smell…




Shit… again….

I GET UP FROM THE COUCH AGAIN…. GO GET THE TOILET PAPER AGAIN… AND CONTORT MYSELF TO GET BEHIND THE CHAIR TO CLEAN UP THE MESS… Grrr… Lucy if you are going to play with the toilet paper, at least use it to clean up after yourself!!

After my third trip to the bathroom in under 20 minutes (one trip was purely selfish if you know what I mean), I grab my coffee cup, chug down the cold coffee, and head to the kitchen to make myself another… THIS TIME, I promise myself, I am going to savor the rich, hot, ceaminess of a cappuccino…




She is trying to get back INTO the bedroom… She maniacally thumps the door as she whines and barks like she is being beaten…

I try to jump over the barricade that we have placed at the entrance to the kitchen, and don’t make it, running into it and twisting my ankle… Funny that Lucy has no problem getting over them WHEN SHE IS THE REASON WE HAVE THEM UP!!


I give up…..

The door to the bedroom slowly opens, and I see my little dude standing there, rubbing last nights sleep out of his eyes.  “Good Morning Mo…. OUCH LUCY STOP!!!!”… She has now grabbed a hold of his foot and is saying Good Morning with her teeth…


The bedroom door opens again, and punctuates the end of that sentence when it closes….

“Good Morning Angel… has it been a long morning already?” he asks that question meekly… He doesn’t really need to ask it as it was his turn yesterday to get up with the dog….

It isn’t his fault, but his question triggers something in me, and I almost LOSE my mind….

I excuse myself, and hide in the bathroom for a minute… breathe in through my nose…. OUT THROUGH MY MOUTH…

The barking stops…

Walking on egg shells, I slowly make my way BACK into the living room…. AGAIN….

It is silent….

And Lucy is dead asleep….

on the back of the couch…

AFTER ALL OF THAT??? You HAVE to be kidding me!!

Sigh… Maybe I have time to drink my coffee now….

“Angel, what is that smell?”


Here we go again….

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