Ahh I remember the good old days… The days that existed before pain. It isn’t easy for me to go back in my mind and think of those days very long. It hurts. A lot. My body might not have any visceral memory of what it felt like to live without pain, but my mind does if I let it.
In those days the only limitations I had were cash (or lack thereof) in my pocket and a mandatory 4 or 5 hours of sleep per night, other than that the world was in the palm of my hands, or at least that is how I remember it anyhow…
I spent HOURS on the phone making plans for EVERY night of the week. If I wasn’t out dancing, I was out for coffee with a girlfriend. If I wasn’t out with a girlfriend I was enjoying the peaceful evenings browsing through the mall and fantasy shopping…. I planned vacations… I had friends… I had a social life… and then that all changed.
First I became a Mom, and settled down – but I changed my life because I wanted to…
Illness changed my life without asking my permission.
The things that I once loved to do hurt too much. I couldn’t do them anymore.
No more dancing, no long trips to the mall, and coffee dates ALONE replaced those with friends because I never knew until the last-minute if I could go to a coffee shop or not… so when I can I just go myself.
I was thinking today about how I have changed my comfort level in the past 5 years… each time something gets taken away by my pain, I grieve over the loss – but I have no choice BUT to move forward somehow. I have to move forward. I don’t think I necessarily accept any of it, I think it is quite the opposite actually, but turning off somehow and becoming complacent is sometimes the only defense mechanism I’ve got.
So I numb myself out, and try to convince myself that I am fine just the way I am….
That I will never need anymore than what I have….
That my existence is completely fulfilling….
Until I realize that my comfort level is so teeny-tiny now, I don’t have room for anything outside of this little box.
I get up and spend the first hour of the day with my son and send him off to school, I take my meds, I sit on the couch and blog, email, read… and then I pour another coffee and knit for a while… and then I take more meds…. and then my honey leaves for work and I am ALL alone except for my pets…. and then I pour myself another coffee…. and then I get on the computer for a while…. then I go pick up my son, come home, and knit for a while before dinner… and then I take my meds…and well, you can just keep repeating that until bedtime save for a few moments that keep me sane.
My honey loves me immensely, and he gets me out of the house on his days off.
My little dude loves me too, and he likes to sit at the coffee shop with a book and a cookie while I get my java and a little background noise…
But it is all the same really.
When did I lose so much of myself? Where did the fun-loving effervescent girl go?
She is hiding in the teeny-tiny box she put herself in…..
Now others may not see me this way at all, but you would have to ask them for I have no perspective than my own. But when days turn into weeks, and week turn into months and the pain doesn’t let up – I brace myself against the world, I brace myself against EVERYTHING to protect myself from more pain.
Social anxiety replaces confidence….
And the teeny-tiny box gets even smaller.
But knowing the problem is half the battle as they say.
Maybe I need to change things a little for MYSELF….
Maybe it is time I get a little uncomfortable……
Because I’m telling you… Comfort sucks sometimes.
I miss me some days.
**If you are reading this anywhere other than www.gracefulagony.wordpress.com it is because this post has been stolen. Please click on the link provided to return to the site of origin