Okay people, fess up!
Who out there fails to put themselves first?
Didn’t we all learn while we were growing up that it is selfish to think about ourselves? I think it is especially hard for us Moms who saw our own Mothers who constantly placed themselves at the bottom of the priority list in order to take care of their families…. When did being a Mom get confused with being a martyr?
Think about it… If you were on an airplane which was experiencing sufficient turbulence to have the air masks fall from the overhead compartment thingy, would you immediately grab one and put it on your daughter/son/partner/parent/stranger seated next to you or would you put it on yourself so you’d be sure you’d be strong enough FIRST to help those around you? We all know what the ‘right’ answer is… But is it the answer you’d give? Be honest…
I know what my answer would be… I’d put the oxygen mask on son first, my honey second… And somewhere before losing consciousness I would try to help myself… Albeit WRONG, I know myself and I absolutely don’t put myself first when push comes to shove…. The odd time I am forced in to doing so (thanks honey) it makes me feel horrendously guilty. Call it a perfectly dysfunctional combination of:
A) Being a Mommy -and-
B) Being sick.
The reason I bring this up is I have a chance to do something JUST for ME and I keep putting it off… Just before Christmas there was a raffle at my little dude’s school, and I won the grand prize (okay, so I bought a LOT of tickets 😉 ). I was given a beautiful spa day at one of the most prestigious salon and spas in my area – complete with essential oils, hydrotherapy tub soak, full body massage, manicure, pedicure… THE WORKS!! And well um… It expires at the end of this month, and I haven’t used it yet. AM I CRAZY?!?! What is WRONG with me?
When I first won it I was under a great of stress, I was flaring badly, and I was carrying some extra weight. I didn’t want these things to ruin my spa experience, so I put it off and promised myself I would book an appoint as soon as I got a handle on things… I lost 7 pounds, the flare subsided, and came back and subsided and came back and subsided and came back… And well you know stress never truly goes away 😉
January, February, March, April, and MAY went by and every time I’ve thought about making the appointment I have chickened out… But honestly I have no idea why! Again, what is wrong with me? A day of relaxation, and therapeutic massage… It’s not like I’m booking myself in to get kidney stones removed!!!!
I am literally losing sleep over it now…. I do not want a $350 spa certificate to go to waste… and I think I really could use the break… I just don’t know why I feel so guilty about going? Why is this so hard for me?
So THIS is my goal this week. I AM GOING TO CALL AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT!! And not only that, when the day comes, I am going to leave ALL the mental baggage and guilt at home.. I am going to go, relax, and think about ME (hmm… that is easier said that done ;)). I am going to try to convince myself that I deserve the break and the pampering…..
Am I the only one who has a hard time with this??
What is it that YOU struggle with when it comes to putting yourself first…. Do you believe that it is a result of your constant pain OR being a Mother… or both..??
I’d love to hear your thoughts!!
Graceful Agony 
I never struggle with this. I always put myself first.
Oh crap. I just got hit with lightening! LOL!!!
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Hi Jo & Domique,
I’m working on putting myself first! It’s really harder than I expected it to be tho… There’s so much more at the root of this thing than I’d acknowledged before. Jo–use your certificate & Dominique, share all of your hints, tips & tricks.
Love & appreciation to you both!
~Sheila
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Hey Sweetie!
I must say I REALLY like seeing you here too! You always make me smile!!
I think there is ALWAYS so much more at the root… there is for me too… we will have to swap stories!
Rationally speaking, I KNOW it will only benefit my family more if I am in a better place – but it still makes me feel guilty to take the time….
I’ll use the certificate… but I am sure cutting it close 😉 I’ll call tomorrow!
Off to nurse my wounds from the day… OUCH…
Love you too!!! Now you need to start YOUR blog!!! 🙂
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Hi Sheila – I was kidding. Jolene totally go that! I actually do okayish. But I do struggle with it from time to time.
With an illness, however, we really do need to make a point of doing this.
Great post Jolene. My hair is singed but I’ll survive that lightening strike! ROTFLOL (I think I need more sleep! )
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LMAO!! OH my… this had been a fun comment thread to read… I can smell your hair smoking from here too Dominique!!
I am really bad at making a point to do anything if it isn’t a) at home and b) family related…. I was going to say I spend time knitting in the evening, but THAT isn’t even for me…. I am making a gift for my little dude’s teacher! LOL!… yep… I need to make more time for ME… but since I have about 6 novels to write, 2 sites, 1 facebook group… and a 3 pound spastic puppy… I don’t know when to fit it in!!??
I’m going to make the call tomorrow… and get to the spa… THAT is something I would NEVER do for myself… I think we had a different prime minister in office the last time I had a pedicure!!
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I’m so far behind, I think I just might be first! 😛 Does that count for anything? Okay, I’m not very good at putting myself first, unless I physically cannot move or literally can’t keep my eyes open. Does that count?
Nancy
P.S. Your crazy Jojo! Go use that certificate!!!!
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THAT is where I saw YOU.. I am so far behind I think I am looking at your bum 😉 I might be in a close second, or tie for first!!
Aren’t we bad at that hon?!? I remember us being like that before all of this…. but now we really suck at it!! I think it might be a guilt issue.. I know it is for me a lot of the time….
I am SO being accountable to all of you and calling tomorrow to make an appt… I HAVE to NOW!! LOL!
Wish you were coming with me… too bad I can’t split the certificate in half… I already asked… I was going to see if I could share it with you for your birthday, but it is NON transferable, and I’m not allowed to break the services up!
XOXOXO
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Awww…that’s so sweet! I’m glad that you are going to call and get in for a much deserved break 🙂
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I feel like a spa hog using it all for myself!! I called them when I first got it, and found out I couldn’t split it…
I am SO SO sore I don’t think I care to be touched by anything right now.. so hopefully I can get this flare under control before I go.
XOXO
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Two great minds…well, yours is great, mine is a bit rough and rusty. Anyway, if you read my last couple of blogs you will see I have been thinking about this very subject. I am in total agreement with you. It is HARD to put ourselves (I couldn’t even say myself there!!!) first!
But, you girl, USE THE CERTIFICATE!!! For all of us out here who struggle with this daily you have got to go and report back how it felt! I am especially interested in the hydrotherapy tub soak. Sounds wonderful!
MAKE THE APPOINTMENT!
Later,
me
CJ
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Mine is a little bit rough and rusty this past week too CJ, so we are much more alike than you think 😉
I haven’t had a lot of time to do much blog reading this past little while because I have a few different projects I am working on… but I feel out of the loop 😦 maybe that is another goal for me this week, reserve a night to catch up!!
I am glad to see I am not alone, because I find it extremely hard to put myself first at times…. I think I was like that before chronic pain, but not to this extent. I think I am much worse now. I have a problem feeling guilty if I stop to take my “mommy hat” off, or if I put my honey on hold… And I know that it is sabatoging my wellness… I am the girl who says “No thank you” 10 times in a row when my honey asks if he can rub my back… “No thanks.. no I am okay… really I’m fine… no, I wasn’t wincing… nope wasn’t a groan either… I am great..” and my honey has to wrestle me down and force me to have a little rub… He knows it will make me feel better, I however feel really guilty for ‘asking’… even though I am not the one ASKING!! LOL!!!
I made sure I posted this before the beginning of the week, because I wanted to be accountable to someone other than me! LOL! Now I HAVE to make the appointment!!
I’ll make sure I do a whole review of the process… that way I can share the spa with all of you…
HUGS!
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I think we have all been in this position, especially if we are mums first and formost, you go ahead and use that ticket, u deserve it for all ur hard work..
I know its difficult to put yourself first,the only time i do is when the bones in my feet are so painful i cant stand…Have a great time xxx
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Hi Louise!! It’s so great to see you here 🙂
It is true, if we are Mums especially, we get so used to taking care of everyone else – it is hard to stop and take care of ourselved as well.
I hope you are feeling okay today, and managing your pain the best you can.
Gentle hugs
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Isn’t it interesting how, once we “contract” a chronic pain illness, this seemingly little problem becomes bigger? We already feel guilty for using up our loved ones time to take care of us, so we put that much more pressure (and guilt) on ourselves to put them before us. And all it does is backfire.
Before I had my own children, (and was very healthy and active), my stepdaughter had a hard time understanding why I wanted to use my time to garden instead of running her and her friends to the mall, (this after having already taken them to the park). To show them why I did this, I made a pitcher of Kool-aid and put three glasses on the counter. I said, “You see this pitcher is full?” They nodded their heads. I told them the pitcher was my heart, and the Kool-aid was my love. Then I filled the glasses with the Kool-aid, explaining that I was giving my love to her, her dad, and her friend. After the glasses were full there was maybe 1/4 glass left in the pitcher. I said, “Now, you see how my heart is nearly empty?” Understanding started to dawn, (for which I was shocked). Then I started to make another pitcher of Kool-aid and told them I had to be sure to refill the pitcher with love if I was to have any left to give them. Surprisingly, they decided to ride their bikes instead of begging me to take them to the mall.
So why don’t I do the same for myself now? It’s that overwhelming guilt that everyone is already giving me so much love I feel like I’ve taken enough and if I don’t stop now they won’t have any left to give. So I practically kill myself to take care of them.
But you’re so right – if we don’t fill up our pitcher, there will be no love to give. Make that appointment NOW Jolene, and enjoy every minute of your pampering. Just be sure they know about your pain, (which I’m sure you will), so they don’t accidentally send you into a flare.
This is a wonderful thing for us all to think about. Thanks for posting it. Love and hugs!
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Hi Sweets….
I am really getting a kick out of the comments from this post – BECAUSE there is a common thread through all of them, and it is really helping me understand why I do things sometimes, and my thought process behind my actions… What is with all the guilt?!? I think I always had the ‘guilt affliction’… but it has become a millions times worse since becoming ‘ill’…. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE your Kool-Aid analogy… I am lucky to have a little dude who ‘gets it’ more than most would his age I think… but sometimes he either gets his nose out of joint, or he just forgets.. I am going to have to remember that one! Thanks so much for sharing it with me… I ABSOLUTELY love to read your stories… I get a bonus gift every time you comment 😉
I am nervous to have a new therapist massage me, so I want to make it very clear what I can and CANNOT handle… I don’t take deep tissue work to well 😉
HUGS AND LOVE!!!
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Oh, by the way, there is an award for you on my fiction site: http://theothersideofdeanna.wordpress.com/2010/06/13/one-lovely-blog/
Enjoy!
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You know I love you, right?
XOXOXO
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Funny you should write about this. Being a “supermom” who could leap tall buildings in a single bound..many years ago…..I always put myself last. It held over into the teen years and it holds over to this day. The kids bought me a spa day and a few months later I looked for it panic stricken that I missed the expiration date. When I found I hadn’t I experienced another form of panic. I started to panic that I actually had to go. Weird, because I love facials and massage. Even more strange was that it was hard for me to be touched. Is it this insidious disease that does this?? I know I’m a fruitcake but not enjoying a spa day goes too far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go. Enjoy. Relax. Take a pain pill before you go.
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Isn’t it funny how many people go through this?!? (not funny ha ha… but funny interesting ;)).
I am surprised at the response I’ve had from this post actually, and it has really made me clear as to why I do the things I do some days… LOL!
Rosemary, you always make me smile… do you know that?
I WILL go and I WILL take a pain pill before I go… I am nervous about flaring from someone new treating me a little… I plan on having a discussion about my health in length though with the therapist… I don’t think I can handle the deep tissue stuff! 😉
XOXOXO
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I’ve been there.
Two years ago my wife gave me a gift certificate for a free massage for my birthday. We both knew that a full body massage would be quite therapeutic, but I kept putting it off and putting it off.
Nearly a year later my wife was REALLY on my case because I hadn’t used the gift certificate and it was about to expire. She kept asking why I hadn’t used it, and I could see the hurt in her eyes. But I couldn’t explain it.
In truth it came down to two intertwined things: guilt and fear. I felt guilty because I knew how expensive the massages were and we really didn’t have the money for it. If it worked and proved to give me sustained relief, I knew my wife would continue pay for the massages, no matter the detriment to herself, and the guilt with that fact made me hesitate. I feared not just the potential additional costs, the fear of additional pain FROM/DURING the massage made me hesitate. If the massage did cause additional pain instead of helping it, my wife would have felt guilty because she was the one who not only gave the gift, but also insisted that I go. Her guilt would have caused me guilt; it was all just a vicious cycle.
I finally bit the bullet and went, making sure to take pain meds first, and scheduled a masseuse familiar with patients who have fibromyalgia and other chronic pain. Was there still pain? Yes. Did it feel good and give me any relief afterwards? Yes. But the relief didn’t last very long. I went under the ‘this for yourself’ guise from many family and friends, but in the end I went for my wife. If this was a way to help my pain, and it worked, I couldn’t deny her a way to finally FEEL as those she could help.
Go to the spa and pamper yourself. You deserve it. But remember that by taking care of yourself and enjoying your day at the spa, what you are actually doing is refueling and giving yourself an opportunity to take care of your family.
Those of us who naturally put others first will always do so, no matter how anyone else tries to describe the situation. If you were one to be so narcissistic as to put yourself first, you would have gone to the spa to pamper yourself shortly after you won.
Outsiders may see it as you ‘doing this for yourself’. But no matter how things may be spun, everyone else knows the truth.
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WOW!!!!!!
I am honestly speechless, and I can tell you that hardly EVER happens… You just hit EVERY nail on the head… And helped me realize where my feelings are coming from…. thank you SOOOO much. Honestly – I am dumbfounded… You just turned the light on for me.. thank you so much!!
XO’s
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