I remember the moment he was born as if it was yesterday….. I remember the overwhelming feeling of ‘complete’ the first time I held him in my arms… the big bad world just went away, and there was just me and him…. I remember when he was helpless and small, and depended on me for everything. My body sustained his, my heart helped his to grow, my hands were his hands until he was big enough to use his own.
I remember the very first step he took, and the look on his face when he realized he had done it.. He didn’t know if he should let go of the couch to clap for himself, or to keep holding on. He was so proud of himself… The ‘first’ of many firsts that made him proud, and made me cry.
The first day of school I cried all the way home. He was growing up, and our inseparability began to change. He didn’t need me for everything anymore, and I had to put my faith in the way I taught him. Did I give him all the tools that he would need? I always gave him my best, but was my best good enough? Those initial days turned into weeks, and weeks into months and he found his own independence, stood on his own two feet, used his own voice… and again he was proud… and I cried….
and now Grade 3…
And now he is less interested in holding my hand on the way home from school… is embarrassed when I give him a kiss goodbye… He orders for himself in restaurants… He wants to pick out his own clothes… He is starting to have school boy crushes… sigh… I don’t know if I am ready for this.
Tonight my baby is going to his very first “Spring Fling” school dance, and he couldn’t be more excited. He has asked me to pick out his clothes, and spike his hair, and allow him to wear cologne…. He wants to give a girl in his class a rose tonight… he wants it to be ‘perfect’…. and I want to smile for him, but it makes me quite sad.
As we were dancing in the living room last night in preparation for tonight, he held on to my waist with his awkward hands and put all his trust in me. He looked up at me so innocently, and asked me to show him how to dance… and I became overwhelmed with emotion… It reminded me of when I was a little girl, and how I loved to dance with my Dad… I stood on his feet so he could guide me across the floor. I stood on his feet until I learned how to stand on my own. It doesn’t seem that long ago, and now I am doing the same for my son.
I was hit with the fact that
He still very much needs me….
He is growing up way too fast, and for as much as I would like to think I set the pace, I am really taking all my cues from him.
There are still so many ‘firsts’ to experience,
so many moments that will define who he becomes, and who I am as a mother…
As hard as it might be for me I hope all of these firsts make him proud… and make me cry.
We only get one opportunity to experience a “FIRST” –
I hope to embrace them all.