Yawn…. Today started way too early… 6:30am to be exact, when my alarm went off. I so badly wanted to throw it across the room, and put my head under the covers instead. I pressed the snooze button, and thought for a minute that I’d go back to sleep, but reality placed itself inside my brain… Time to go to the Doctor… Again…
That is where I am now. I am blogging from my Blackberry this morning. My honey just dropped me off, and I am early, so this is a good way to pass the time. I’m REALLY not looking forward to this appointment. It isn’t that we are doing anything different today – I am not starting any new medications, or talking about anything new… It’s just that I don’t care to deal with ‘illness’ today. Today is one of those days that I want to pretend like there is nothing wrong. Today I just want to be normal.
There is a lady sitting next to me that has her brand new baby here for her first check-up… She is brand new, pink warm, innocent. Mom is looking around the waiting room for validation, all new Mom’s do that. ‘Look at my baby… Isn’t she perfect…. Please smile and tell me how beautiful she is..’ Obviously that isn’t what she’s saying, but that is what her eyes say… And so they should, she is a new Mommy, and her world is perfect right now… Her baby IS her existance… I smiled at her and looked away… It hurts too much to make a connection with this little one. I am jealous. It is just another reminder that pain has made decisions in my life – Decisions that I was supposed to make on my own.
I would rather be anywhere but here today. I want to bail out, get out of here, go shopping, go for lunch, go home… I don’t want to sit and talk about the last few weeks, how my nerve pain is, how I’ve been sleeping, how many bowel movements I have had in the past week… Ha! Who would really? Most have to endure this once, twice, maybe three times a year.. Me – Every 3 weeks…. Year round.
I wonder if my name will be called soon? I hope so, I’m here now… Better to get it over and done with.
Happy Monday to all of you!!