Sorry Everyone! I haven’t dropped off the face of the planet I assure you… I have just been coming down from a horrible flare up of pain…
I don’t know about any of you, but for me, I find just AFTER a flare the hardest part, not during… go figure!
Don’t get me wrong, I struggle during a flare… but I go into cruise control mode, where all I can do is propel myself through it… and that is the only thing that I end up thinking about… just one more minute, just one more hour, just one more day… and when I get a break from the pain and have a chance to get myself out of survival mode – it hits me hard. I call it the post-flare blues… My body shuts down after a flare, and it takes me a few days to recover. Does that make sense?
I have been really exhausted the past few days, and I have had all of this “space” that normally is filled with pain – and I find it disorienting… It is almost as if I don’t know what to do with myself when my pain level goes down…. I want to be able to get outside, enjoy the sunshine, and just live life a little more freely, but it is a hard transition between surviving pain and living in spite of pain… The change is enough to make my head spin, and I always need a few days to be able to go from one to the other… I don’t know if I am the only one that experiences this or not, but it has always been like that for me… I need to dip my toes in before diving off the deep end…. 😉 So that is what I have been doing… sitting on the edge of the pool with my toes in the water…. not knowing if I want to jump in, or if the water is too cold for my liking.
I kind of made a small mistake last week, and I didn’t realize how much it was going to throw me off until I did it…. It is my own fault, but I learned a lesson, and now I know….. I ran out of one of my meds at the beginning of last week, and I ended up not calling in the prescription for days…. I was in a bad place mentally, and I thought that this one medication wasn’t really helping much anyhow – so I bucked the ‘system’ and decided to go without it…. and THAT was a big mistake…. Within 2 days I was white-knuckled and it put me into a tail spin. I very quickly realized that this medication is helping me more than I THOUGHT it was…. OUCH…. I went through a few really miserable days, called in my refill, and I won’t be doing THAT again….. Because my body went through withdrawal for a week, I am having to go through side-effects again adjusting to this medication, but my pain is much more controllable now than it was…. I’d rather feel dopey and nauseaus and CONTROL my pain than for my pain to be controlling me… I know, I know… It was a dumb thing to do, but I learned my lesson…. I am only human.
Sometimes I just get so frustrated with all of this – and I raise my proverbial middle finger at the world, and decide to ‘do’ this my own way…. only to very quickly realize that I just can’t…. I hate living from pill to pill, from couch to bed, from treatment to treatment… and I rebel at times and try to live a life a little more ‘ordinary’… and then I get hit with the reality that THIS is my reality… I might not like it at times, BUT this the way it has to be for me… I sometimes wonder WHEN I will get that through my thick head – but this life isn’t about the destination, it is about the journey. I don’t think we ever get to the point where the light bulb goes on and we have that “I GET IT” moment…. We are going to struggle… we are going to fall… and we are all going to pick ourselves up once again and continue on…. my life is about progress, NOT PERFECTION… I make mistakes just like everyone else…
So while I am adjusting to being on this medication again I am trying to rest up, and do things that center around what makes me soul happy… I have been reading, playing with my beads and making jewelry, eating foods that make me happy, and giving myself a little bit of a break….. That comes with a LOT of guilt (I am a Mother… need I say more?), but I know it is necessary to feel balanced and grounded again. The laundry will wait – I don’t get the opportunity to ENJOY the little things very often, so when I have the chance, I take it.
How are all of you doing? How was the past week for you? What do you do to feel balanced and grounded? I’d love to hear from all of you!
I apologize for not being around as much as I normally am, and I hope you all will forgive me. I will find my way back to where I was…. water always finds its own level…. It just sometimes trickles slowly instead of raging rapidly 😉
HUGS and love to all of you!!! I hope you all are enjoying what is left of the weekend!