Do you remember a time that you were innocent enough to think that by simply wishing upon a star you could make your dreams come true? Do you remember scanning the night sky for the biggest and brightest star, and once you found it you would close your eyes tightly and WILL all of your energy into that sparkly beam of light?
…. PLEASE make my parents stop fighting
…. PLEASE bring me that bike I’ve been wanting
…. PLEASE let the cutest boy in math class like me
…. PLEASE make Grandpa better
We all had secret wishes that we thought the universe would grant us if only we could invoke the power those stars held…. If only we could focus a little harder, squeeze our eyes shut a little tighter, feel our prayers a little stronger….
I don’t know when it is that we lose that innocence.
As time goes on we end up learning that just because we need want things to be a certain way doesn’t necessarily make them so. The boy that we like ends up dating our friend… No matter how much we wish on those stars it won’t make Grandpa’s cancer go away, and divorce happens no matter what we do… we just cannot keep our parents together. Life is hard…. and so are the lessons we learn along the way.
We are naive for such a SHORT period of time… and then we spend the rest of our lives reconciling the purity we once had with every experience that leads us away from that place… every step we take is a step away from our innocence…
To me, it feels like the line was drawn the day I became ill. Up until that time I still tried to hold on to some of my child-like qualities. I was grown-up and yet I still wanted to believe in the wonderment of wishes…. No matter what I had gone through in my life up until that point, I still believed in miracles, I still saw the best in everyone, I STILL watched closely for falling stars… and whenever I saw one, I took it as a sign that my wishes would be granted…. Everything would work out the way I wanted it to.
I learned my lesson.
In the first year that I was ill, I spent a lot of time sitting on my door step in the middle of the night, after everyone on my street had gone to sleep. It was the only time I truly felt safe in the world… and it was the only time I truly felt like I could breathe…. I spent a great deal of time talking to the stars… making bargains that I could not keep…. wishing that SOMETHING would change…
and it didn’t…
I started to accept the things that I truly couldn’t fix and started creating the change that I wanted so badly for my life based on the things that I COULD change. I gave up trying to make my pain go away, I gave up bargaining with the universe for something way more powerful – I began to acknowledge and affirm WHERE I was instead of fighting where I didn’t want to be. THIS is my life, and I have to make the most of it… to me that means not willing it away… Of course I would be the first one to celebrate if I woke up tomorrow morning to find out that my pain had VANISHED… I would be the HAPPIEST gal on this planet… But maybe, just maybe I can still be the happiest girl on the planet WITH my pain as well….
My life isn’t about what I don’t have, but what I DO have… and I started trying to find at least one thing in my life each and every day that I didn’t want to renounce or hide from… just ONE thing each day that I didn’t want to pray ‘away’… Of course the first one was my son – but it would have been easy for me to use him to be at the top of my list’ every single day…. so I made a rule that I couldn’t repeat anything on my list… I had to add something different every day… and as soon as I starting reflecting on my life from a different perspective I realized that so many of my dreams had already come true.
All I can say is Thank GOD for all the prayers that were never answered the way I wanted them to be…. Thank heavens for all the wishes that were NOT heard and NOT granted….
I used to think that I was wasting my breath all of those miserable nights when I wished upon every star I could find….
But I wasn’t.
Through all the begging, bargaining, and tears WHAT I was really searching for was a better me.
And I found her.