I am starting to wonder if I am ever going to sleep like a normal human being again…. I am SOOOO exhausted… I somehow survived the weekend, but If I don’t get some good old-fashioned sleep soon, I think I may start to lose my mind… or continue to lose my mind… er… whatever.. I guess it depends on your perspective!
Friday night I had 2 hours of sleep… and not all at once…
Saturday night I had 3 hours sleep… spread over a period of 12 hours… and in half hour increments at best, it was an exercise in both futility AND frustration.
And last night…. Well, let me tell you about last night. Once both my boys were home yesterday, one from work, and the other from his Dad’s place, we decided to order pizza and have a quiet night. I was to the point that I could barely stand, but was afraid to sit – I didn’t think I was going to be able to stay awake for dinner. Do you know that feeling when you are SO tired, it is almost scary? You heart pounds harder and faster, you start to shake, and your gracefulness is all but gone, and you look more like a cow with a hockey stick than a prima ballerina? I was scared to even get myself a glass of water, because I didn’t think I was going to be able to hold on to it… now THAT’S TIRED!!
The pizza came and I tried to choke down something… I really did… I cut the crust off a piece and ate that, and had a little bit of salad… and it was a chore to eat it.. While my boys devoured theirs, I was trying not to nod off between bites… I started counting down the SECONDS till bedtime… and my honey stepped in, and told me to go lay down – he was going to put little dude to bed.. HALLELUJAH!!! Is it appropriate to cry out of sheer joy that I don’t have to put him to bed?!? Bad mother I am… but whatever, I got over it VERY quickly, grabbed my pillow and book and headed to bed….
I read a few pages, and started to nod off…. and then my tummy started GROWLING… apparently pizza crust and cucumbers don’t sustain you – especially if that is all you’ve eaten all day… I tried to ignore it… but my meds started kicking in, and I really needed something in my belly to soak up all drugs… so I PULLED myself out of bed and wandered into the kitchen. My honey poured me a small bowl of cereal (Did I mention how wonderful he is?), and I carried it back to bed… I have to say there is nothing like eating a bowl of cereal with REALLY cold milk in bed… it must be a comfort thing… but I digress… Once I finished, I crawled back into bed, turned off the light and closed my eyes… my body was comfortable for the first time in weeks, and I felt myself drift off…..
I slept like a rock for 2 hours of so, and halfway through my dead sleep, I started having a nightmare…. groan…. It would have been fine, had I not taken my prescription sleepy drug… because I COULDN’T wake myself up! I tried to reach lucidity to stop this nasty dream, but I couldn’t pull myself out fast enough… So I continued to struggle somewhere between unconsciousness and wakefulness for what seemed to be way too long… please wake up, please wake up, PLEASE WAKE UP!!! I finally got myself to sit up, and tried to focus on the cat snoring on the end of the bed until I got my bearings again….
3:30am – wide awake…. great…
I laid in bed awake until 4, and I started to squirm from the pain, so I got up, took 2 pills, wandered the house, and went back to bed….
and laid there looking at the ceiling….. until 5am…. and just got up… Checked my Facebook, checked my email, checked the news, made myself a decaf, checked my chat room, checked the bags under my eyes… and started my day
It is now just after 9, and I am back to exhausted again… I am torn… Do I try to go back to bed and get some sleep, or do I struggle through another day? I keep thinking I will hit the point where I am just so tired by body will have no choice BUT to stay asleep…. but my plan hasn’t worked so far…
And I have hit a wall…. boy, have I ever hit a wall…. 22 hours of sleep in the past 8 days…. hmmm…. that averages out to be 2.75 hours per night…. I don’t know for sure, but I have a hunch that that isn’t NEARLY enough….