All snuggled in my bed…….my BIG and WARM king-sized-pillow-top posturepedic-wonder…. my kitty at my side, vying for my heating pad…. I turn over, and she gets in right underneath me to hog the heat…. what a brat she is…. She is a cute brat, so I forgive her….
My brain is somewhere between the last known dream, and wakefulness. I am not in the dream any longer, but I don’t yet have any coherent thoughts…. well maybe I am thinking about the heating pad that Sophia is now laying on, and how nice it would be to have it underneath….. OUCH!!!!!!!!!
Before I realize what is happening, my heart starts racing, and my legs start squirming, and all I know is that I have to sit up… oh God, I really need to sit up…. shit, when was my last dose of meds….. What time is it anyway? The burning….. the spasms…. the tightness this morning is insane… sit up, please sit up, please sit up…. and I try to move myself into an upright position and concentrate on my breathing….. I am holding my breath…. and my heart is pounding out of my chest….
Sophia takes this as a sign that I am done with bed for the day, and moves in for the kill, taking over my pillow too – so there is no chance I am going to lay down again….. unless I move her… and I just can’t…. She is a fat cat, and I can’t bear the thought of touching anything right now…..My meds are in the kitchen, so I have to at least get myself that far… I stand up… wait for the popping sound, and try to stifle it as much as possible… my honey still sleeps…. With one eye open, and my body on fire I search in the dark for my robe…. it is colder than usual this morning, and the frigid air hurts my skin…. it actually feels like needles poking me everywhere….. Did it feel like this before I got ill? I wonder…. I can’t remember it hurting me like this at one point… although now that is a distant memory.
I propel myself out of the bedroom, take a hard right, and I am in the kitchen… turn on the lights, and shield myself from the artificial light… the fluorescent bulbs hurt me too…. I take mental note to read the article I have bookmarked about the benefits of natural light to those who have Fibro….. Great, it hasn’t been 5 minutes since I woke up, and I already can’t turn off my brain…… Coffee or meds first? I pause for a nanosecond… of course meds… there really isn’t much choice… I will take 2 yellow ones now, have a coffee, wait until the rest of the world rises, and then I will be able to have a white one AND a yellow one… I double-check in my head that my first dose will agree with the rest of my day… I really should have become a pharmacist when I had the chance…. I hear they make good money… oh right, now that I am thinking about money, I make a mental note to pay the power bill… oh and I sure wish my little dude didn’t need a night-light anymore…. If they switch my meds, that is going to cost at least $200 a month extra… if we can maybe just skip lights all together, we will be able to afford it…. Mental Note number two… maybe I should write this down….
Okay, pills are taken, and my cappuccino is almost brewed… time to turn the fire-place on, and my other heating pad… I have one in every place I sit in the house… I grab my coffee, and head into the living room…. oh shit, forgot my pillow… and I can’t sit without it today… so I hightail (okay, I limp… I wanted to make it sound good) it back to the bedroom, peel my memory foam blob from underneath the cat, and make my way back to the couch…. The cold air is still really hurting me… I struggle to turn on the fireplace…. I have to bend over to do so, and my body retaliates…. okay, okay, I try to calm it down… I will take care of you in a second… I just need to get this stupid fireplace working…. Mental Note number 3, I wonder how much it would cost to get our fireplace updated… the black chrome and brass is um… nice…. but it sure looks dated…. ya right, you are kidding yourself… there are so many other more important things to do… maybe if you actually WORKED we could afford it…. forget mental note number 3.
I am starting to get warm, and REALLY trying to ignore how much I frikkin’ hurt this morning, so I turn on the laptop…. and turn off the heating pad, and turn on the heating pad, and turn off the heating pad…. I can’t get comfortable…. I usually wake up in a lot of pain, but gheez-mother-of-all-that-is-sacred-in-life, Isn’t this a little excessive? What do you want from me world?……. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I take a sip of my coffee, oh great it is already getting cold, I missed the first hot sip of coffee of the day…. oh right, it is because it took me so long to light the fireplace….. grrr…… Why can’t ONE morning start the way I want it to? Mental note number4 – or no wait, it is number 3, because I cancelled the last number 3… okay, where am I? I am so foggy this morning…. right, mental note number 3 – You aren’t dying, and you are still better off than a LOT of people, so stop your whining, and count your blessings…. pull up your bootstraps girl, this is only the beginning of your day….
After a beat myself up a little longer in my mind, I chug down the cold coffee… and PRETEND I am enjoying it…. I would go make myself another, but that would require me to get back up… and that isn’t going to happen anytime soon… after the yellow pills start to work anyway…. I note the time – and realize I have 45 minutes before I have to wake up my little dude, and breathe a sigh of relief… I will ACTUALLY have some time to get a handle on this pain today BEFORE I paint on a smile, and wake him up with a song…. who am I kidding… like I am Snow White or something!!!…. Do I really think the moment I go in to wake him up, that birdies will start flying around his head in sing-song? and how about the mice…. they will lasso his quilt and pull it off him, one corner at a time….. and little dude will wake up with a smile on his face and go skipping down the hallway and eat his breakfast like a good little boy…… Mental note number 4 – STOP watching Disney movies before bed….. honestly… This morning is bound to look more like an episode of Married with Children, or The Simpsons… but one can always dream…..
Shit, I was feeling so bad last night, that I didn’t make sure that his homework was back INSIDE his bag…. and his lunch hasn’t been made…. Does he have a clean shirt to wear today? I know his dress pants are in the dryer…. What is the weather like? Can he wear his sweatshirt today? I know I have a clean sweatshirt…. he hates those red school sweaters….. but that might be what I have clean, so he may have to suck it up and wear it today….. oh crap, I forgot he wanted to wear his Converse Chucks today…. Where are they? Are they going to be warm enough? What time is it now? I need another coffee… God my face hurts….. and that burning in my hips and feet… is that ‘normal’ pain or is it worse today for some reason?….I am either getting a hot flash, or it warmed up on here quickly… I have to go turn off the fireplace… maybe I will just turn off the heating pad… and take my robe off…. okay, not I absolutely have to go turn off the fireplace… maybe I should ice my neck and face?m Shit, I better just go find his school uniform….. and while I am at it, I can swing by the kitchen and make myself another coffee while I look to see what I can stick in his lunch box today……..
Pain woke me up this morning…… Can you tell that I am not happy about it?