I’ve had a really hard day…. For those who read my post earlier today, my day started with horrible pain, and it just went downhill from there…. My migraine is subsiding… YAY!!! BUT it has been replaced by the most intense all-over body pain that I have had in a long time, combined with this severe neuropathic pain than is getting the better of me….. It is that fear-inducing, crippling pain that takes your breath, and your will to keep fighting….
My honey gave me a back rub this morning, and I cried… he asked me if there was anything he could do to make me feel better… and I cried some more….
I sat defeated on the bed… and cried…
I sat in the bath… and cried….
Sometimes I am not a tough chick… sometimes I am reminded of how very human and vulnerable I am….
Sometimes I really just want all this to stop… I want to take off the happy face and replace it with something a little more honest… I AM NOT OKAY WORLD…. Some days I just want to completely fall apart – not because it feels good to do it, it is because somehow if I physically fall apart, it would be validation of the way I feel inside. It would EQUAL what I feel inside…. I don’t have a full body cast on, my head has hair, I don’t walk around with a seeing eye dog…. my pain is almost always invisible OUTSIDE of my home…. and sometimes I just want to walk around SCREAMING like a raving lunatic… ya know, be one of those people at the bus stop that talks to herself…I want people to SEE what this life is truly like…. I want to be VALIDATED….. akin to a rebellious teen, sometimes it is easy to feel that bad attention is better than none at all….I WANT TO GET ANGRY AND HAVE A TANTRUM AND SCREAM!!!!! I RARELY ever feel that way anymore, and ALWAYS try to hold myself together…
I have a family who makes me want to strive to be a better woman, partner, and mother, each and every day…. but some days I don’t feel that way, and this has been one of them…. I spent all day wanting to give the proverbial finger to the world…. Anyone and everyone beware…. I haven’t been in one of these moods in a long time…. I guess a 7-day migraine does have the power to make on lose their sanity, huh?
While I was sitting in the bath crying and feeling overwhelmed I thought of how I could just get through those few moments… if I could JUST get through the bath, then I would deal with getting ready… and if I can get myself ready then I will deal with going to collect my little dude from school.. and so on and so forth… but every time I got past how I was going to get through my bath I got overwhelmed and started to cry again….. “I am going to write it down” I said to myself… I just need somehow to release a part of this…. and started planning a post in my head entitled “Drowning in a tub of tears”…. I started from the beginning and thought of everything I was going to include, and how I wanted to portray my emotions….. It fueled me to get out of the tub, get ready, and walk a few miles to my little man’s school… the whole way I was planning how I was going to write all of this down…. how horrible I felt… how much I wanted to give up… How I didn’t think I was strong enough to keep this up…. How I just wanted to lay in bed and cry all weekend……
My son came out of school with a big smile on his face….. and gave me a big hug…. and I knew I had to change my attitude….. He was SO excited because he got his report card today!! I know that sounds a bit strange, a child actually EXCITED about a report card, but that’s my boy!! He is a cerebral child to say the least 😉 . My little man hasn’t had the best experiences with school… Right from the beginning it was like shoving a square peg into a round hole…. The first preschool he went to stifled him… his second preschool was AMAZING… but as soon as he got into grade school, he stopped thriving completely…. I couldn’t understand why he was bringing home mediocre grades, and had so many issues because he is really bright for his age, and an awesome kid… to make a long story short, when I started making healthy choices in my life, Aidan started being happier and applying himself. He started to bloom, and everything that were issues ended up being GOALS… He has worked hard this year, and he finally is believing in himself!!
His last report card was much better… but THIS one blew me AWAY!!! He has gone from C’s last year to being an A Student!!! His report card could NOT have been better!! (I am sure he would disagree with you though… a B+ is apparently not acceptable in gym class for him… my little perfectionist!)… As we walked home, we looked at his report card and read comment after comment of how proud his teacher is of him… and counted A after A…. I wanted to cry, but for completely different reasons than before!! I am just so proud to be him Mom… and I know how hard he has worked this semester… he really set goals for himself, and he mastered everyone…
After high-fives, hugs, Slurpees, kisses and head rubs we made our way home… both of us beaming all the way… He asked if Tim was going to be proud of him…. OF COURSE HE IS!!! He asked if that meant he deserved a reward in the form of a new toy…. I told I’m him we’d talk about it ;)… and when we got home he said the most amazing thing to me…. He said:
“Mom, I am going to share my A’s with you because WE earned them together! We make a good team, and you helped me with all my homework, and you really take time to explain stuff… we did this together Mom, you work really hard too!… How about I give you 40% of my A’s and I’ll have the rest?”
“Hey buddy that means a lot to me but you earned them!! Those A’s are YOURS. I am just proud to be your Mom and I love you very much” I replied and gave him another hug before he went off to play a video game (well-earned in my opinion)…. Little does he know that 1% of his A’s means more to me than 100% of my own…. And his words meant more to me today than I think he will ever realize… While I spent the day giving myself a BIG F, my son still gives me an A… and you can’t get better validation than that….Nothing like a good dose of reality to change your day around.