Okay friends…… I thought long and hard about whether or not I should even write anything today, because I am beside myself right now, and even as I type this, I keep stopping and deleting words that seems to be coming out of my finger-tips before they are showing up in my brain…. Does that make sense?
I have not just been dealing with physical pain the past while, but I have been dealing with stress from different things that life keeps throwing at my family…. And I am one tough cookie… so I keep forging ahead….. but some days I just don’t feel like I have a lot of strength left. And unfortunately, today is one of those days.
When I get so overwhelmed with emotion, I tend to push people away and isolate myself. I admit it. I am FAR from perfect. Akin to a toddler who falls and knocks his head on the coffee table, if they think nobody is looking they somehow recover far quicker than when Momma bear rushes to their rescue. You know, even if it didn’t hurt that badly, as soon as Mom picks baby up, their whimpering ends up very quickly turning into hysterical sobs. Well, I am somewhat like that…. when I isolate I can keep telling myself over and over “I’m okay…. I’m okay…. I’m okay”, but when someone breaks through the wall I put up, puts their arms around me and forces me to share what is in my heart, that is when I can release it and cry “I’m NOT OKAY!!!”
Well, I tried isolating myself last night after a very painful phone call…. I had it perfectly orchestrated the moment I got off the phone and I wasn’t about to let anyone in. I stormed off and put myself to bed at 9pm…. Which if you know me you know that is almost laughable…. Ms. Insomnia World 2010 doesn’t go to sleep until at least 2am most days….. I declared myself unreachable… leave a message after the beep because I am not open for business!
It wasn’t long before my honey came to find me in my dark cave. He told me lovingly but mightily that he was NOT going to let me lay in the dark on my own, so I either had to get up and speak to him about why I was so seething angry, or he was going to lay in bed in the pitch dark with me until I fessed up…… Thank GOD for the amazing people in my life. I’d surely be in the loony bin if it wasn’t for them.
Sooooo…… after humming and hawing and trying to stand my ground and get my way, he gently threw off the covers and coaxed me out of bed….. So I got up.
I got up, and cried….I cried all the way to the living room…. and he went to get the kleenex.
I cried, and screamed and cried some more… And he loved me and got me more kleenex….
I screamed and yelled and pounded my fists… and he poured a glass of wine, and wiped the mascara off my cheek.
JUST when I thought I would collapse from exhaustion, I took to sobbing on his shoulder, which made me want to yell again because I wanted to be SO much stronger in that moment!
After a long stretch I layed back on the couch, put my head on a pillow, and cried soft sad tears, because my angry tears had all been shed…..
Why was I sobbing and yelling and screaming you ask?
I lost complete trust in someone last night…..
And it hurt like hell.
It isn’t a one time deal…. it is something that has happened repeatedly……
But you get to the point that you need to accept that it’s over and won’t be rebuilt.
And I finally GOT that last night… I hit the point of no return.
I, like a great deal of people, want to believe the very best in everyone.
So I give people more chances than they have probably earned….
And I do this because I don’t want the big bad world to make me a grumpy cynic.
God knows I have had more than enough reasons to become one, and I don’t know how many people would fault me for that….. But I strive to fight that every day of my life.
A cynic isn’t WHO I am….
And I don’t want to change that for anything or anyone in the world.
I see this world in color….. I see the GOOD in people…… I believe in peace and joy…..
I often think that people are going to do the right thing, especially when you ask them to….
And I sometimes turn the other cheek
when I ought not too…..
And I am beside myself with hurt, frustration and disappointment today….
But I don’t know who I am more angry at…….
The person who broke my trust,
or myself, because I let them.