Hard feelings…. I must admit I have a few…. I wish I didn’t, but nobody is perfect right?
My honey calls me his “little buddha” because I try to live a peaceful life. I have learned the hard way that it is much healthier for me to let things go, be the bigger person, and carry on freely… But I am not always good at that, and when I’m not good at it, I STINK.
I have thought a lot the past few days about doing some ‘internal’ spring cleaning… otherwise known as getting rid of some emotional baggage…. purging the crap to make room for more of the good stuff… you know…. cleaning my soul so to speak… I think at this stage of my life I have already done most of the major work, but from time to time I like to check in to see if there is any dust bunnies in my heart that need hoovered, or if there are any broken bits that need tending to… I generally know what I am going to find before checking in with myself, but at times I find things that really surprise me…. And today was one of those days.
For someone who is supposedly “zen” I sure have a lot of hard feelings… and I struggle to let them go.
My life, as I always knew it to be, ended over 4 years ago now. It has been a long process to rebuild, and for the most part I have never been happier…. I am sure to some that might sound odd based on all the things that I have lost in my life, but I truly believe that by losing almost everything, it has given me a far greater appreciation for what I DO have. Day-to-day I am very cognizant of all the small things that I consider blessings…. A smile, or a hug….. the sun shining, or a clean kitchen… The ability to get out of bed in the morning, or enjoying a cup of coffee without nerve pain making it impossible to hold my mug…. I am consciously aware in almost every moment how fortunate I truly am. The old “me” never stopped to recognize these things. I used to focus on the BIG picture, and I was always so wrapped up in what was GOING to happen, I never took the time to just live in the moment and embrace the gift of “NOW”. It hasn’t been an easy transformation for me from healthy and unaware to chronically ill and appreciative, but for whatever reason that is the way my life has gone. In some senses it makes me quite sad, and I am sorry that it took losing myself completely to learn this lesson, but as with any life-lesson, the hardest are usually the most rewarding.
I try to live in the present, and not look back to where I used to be, because every time I do that it brings up a lot of anger and sadness…. and then I start asking myself “Why?”
Why did I wake up one morning in agony, and it just never went away?
Why did I have to suffer for so long before anyone took me seriously?
Why did some of my loved ones abandon me?
Why can’t I just be like everyone else?
Why ME? Why ME?
And then I realize that although some of these wounds have healed over, there is a great deal of scar tissue that has taken their place… Just because I have worked so desperately to heal the emotional wounds that coincide with physical suffering it doesn’t mean that these wounds just vanish…. What was once festering has now scabbed over… but there is still a reminder of what was once there.
Today has been a reminder to me that “dealing” with pain, regardless of whether it is physical or emotional in nature is a process… and sometimes it can be a long one. I still cry hot and angry tears for the old me…. At times I still grieve over what I had to lose in order to find myself again….. And days when I sit back and replay the last few years of my life, I know that I have come a long way, but I still have miles and miles to go. I am a work in progress…. that’s for sure…. But I am truly blessed to have the opportunity every day to learn and grow….And I know the more I can let go of the past the healthier I will become.
I love the new ME…. I love her more than I thought I was ever going to…..
And the tears I cry for the girl I used to be…… she deserves every one of them.