I have seen this done on a few blogs, and thought it was a great idea. If you want to do it on yours, please let me know, because I’d LOVE to read what you come up with!
Write a letter to yourself in 1989, knowing now what you didn’t know then, what would you say to yourself?
A Letter to Myself in 1989
Yes, it’s really YOU! The YOU in 2010! Don’t panic, I just want to be able to sit with you for awhile and let you know a few things. Trust me, you aren’t going to have an easy life. It’ll be well worth it in the end, but maybe I can give you a few words of wisdom and some encouragement to stick it out for the next 20 years, because it will be well worth it.
I wish I could tell you how valuable and loved you really are. I know you don’t believe it now, but you will one day. You will have to learn the hard way MANY times, but you will eventually GET IT, and when you do, your life will change as a result. You always end up learning from your mistakes.
We will FINALLY see a glimpse of our beauty, but it won’t be for at least 18-20 years. Stop being so hard on US!
I wish you could see yourself through my older and wiser eyes. You are who you are on the INSIDE, and that lesson will be hard for you to learn. People do not love you for what they see, they love you for who you are. Please don’t hide behind the mask you put on everyday. Be comfortable with yourself. Your makeup and hair styles will change over the years (and thank GOD they do! You need to STOP TEASING YOUR BANGS!!) but they won’t change drastically. People will comment from time to time that you look “just the same” as you do now.
Embrace your youth, and don’t try to look older than you are! Time goes by SO quickly, and in a flash it’ll be 2010, and you wonder where the time went!
Do we ever know how to pick ’em!! Ha! Ha! Just kidding! Our heart is big and vulnerable and it will be broken many times over the next 20 years. We will go through the unthinkable in different relationships…. abuse, adultery, addiction, complacency, emotional starvation, divorce…. You will think that love is something that hurts, but you will learn in the end that is not the case. You will THINK that you are in love a few times, but you will never know what true love is until you love yourself. You will change yourself for the boys in your life, thinking that it will somehow make yourself more loveable, but trust me, you never have to change who you are for ANYONE. It won’t be until you are faced with the very worst that you will truly appreciate the very best.
You will cry a million tears, but I wish you wouldn’t. We honestly will end up finding true and uninhibited love. We will end up being with our very best friend. We will have the soul-mate that we dreamed of… it just won’t happen when we think it will…. Have some patience! He is someone you haven’t met yet, but you will meet him on your journey, long before you fall in love with him. It will happen when we least expect it….. and it will be the most powerful and dynamic relationship we have ever experienced.
Trust your gut, because in a heartbeat after your first kiss with him, you will JUST KNOW….. It will be the most tangible feeling…. don’t turn away because you have been hurt before…. this time it’s different.
You don’t believe in divorce now, and we still don’t 20 years later. We still end up believing in the sanctity of marriage, actually we end up believing in commitment more as time goes on. It will be one of the hardest decisions in your life to get divorced, but once you make the choice your life will change in ways that YOU cannot comprehend now.
You know that you were born to be a mother, and that desire will only get more intense over the years. You will get pregnant, and it will change your life. You will love every single moment of your pregnancy! And the feeling that you have had most of your life will come true…. IT WILL BE A BOY! You will face challenges and fears during your pregnancy. You will be high-risk, and there will be some complications, but you will get through it. You will end up delivering naturally, and it empowers you. Mom is in the delivery room, and Dad and Sis are waiting outside the waiting room, and it will mean the world to you to have your family close by.
You will almost lose your baby at birth, and it will be devastating. It will be a long few weeks after he’s born before you are told that he will indeed be okay. He will come home on oxygen, and it will be the scariest thing you ever go through, but it will make your bond with him so much stronger, and it will teach you life-lessons that you would never learn otherwise.
He will become your biggest love, and you will do everything you can for him. You will make mistakes just like every parent, but you will learn from all of them. Again, don’t be so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be SUPER MOM every moment of every day…. No matter whether you are or not, he will think you are perfect.
I know you want MANY kids, but I’m afraid I have to tell you that that won’t happen. I grieve for you, the innocent 15-year-old who so badly wants nothing more than to be a Mother to a big family. Life just doesn’t work out the way we planned. It isn’t your fault, and I hope you don’t carry the guilt around forever. You are blessed to have one child, but your health declines to the point where having another child is just not really a possibility.
Do you ever accept this? I can’t tell you that right now. I’m in tears as I write this, because at 35 we haven’t accepted it yet. Maybe in 10 more years when I write you another letter we will be happy that it has worked out this way. I hope we get to that point.
I’m so sorry that I cannot change this for us. I really tried. I did the best I could.
Family is important to you now, but it will only become more and more important to over the years. Hold on to ALL of your family, and don’t be so quick to put your friends and boyfriends before them, because you will face losing all of them one day. At 15 your are not thinking about how vulnerable we are, and how short and precious life can be, but you will one day…. and it will come quicker than you ever expected.
Just a few short weeks before your wedding, when you are 24 years old, we lose our big brother. Dave leaves us in a heart-beat… it is unexpected and it shatters the very foundation you have built your life on. You will grieve intensely, and you will struggle, but we DO get to the point where it is validating to shed our tears. We end up knowing that our tears are only a reflection on how much we loved him… and he is worth every tear that falls.
We think of him often, but we do get to a point where our thoughts of him bring smiles, and sometimes even laughter.
We never stop loving him, and we learn that we will always have a relationship with him, it just changes form.
Mom and Dad both get really sick at different times in their lives. Mom with her heart, Dad with Cancer. Both instances change our life… both are extremely hard, but we get through them.
We are told that Dad’s prognosis is dismal, and it changes EVERYTHING… But our family is amazingly strong. We rally around him, and he FIGHTS…. and the Doctors are wrong. He stuns the doctors at is 6 month, 1 year, 2 year check up….. he is a fighter, and he defies the odds. That’s where you learn what courage is.
You aren’t controlled by it now, and you never will be. It comes and it goes, but you will always know that there are so many things that are much more important.
And finally, so many things happen with your health. It isn’t something I can even describe. It would take me way too long to help you understand. You will suffer long and hard. You will be in and out of the ER for a couple of years, and you will be bedridden for a year. You will want to give up MANY MANY times, but you don’t. The people who love you hang on tight, and save you from yourself. Your son ends up being the reason that you keep fighting.
From my perspective in 2010, your pain doesn’t change, but your perception of the pain does. You struggle, it is the battle of your life, but you keep fighting it.
You get to a point where you don’t want to suffer in vain. You want to do SOMETHING to make it all feel worthwhile. You want to support other people who suffer. You want to make the world aware of what it’s like to live with chronic pain. You want to give invisible illness a voice. The multiple illnesses that you end up having fuel you to start a web page.
How does this work out? Who knows?! It is a work in progress!! That is the thing about life…. It is a quite the journey, and just when you think you have it figured out something is bound to happen that leads you in another direction! Don’t be scared of change, embrace it!!
The one thing I can tell you for sure is that your life doesn’t turn out at ALL the way you are thinking…… so keep your mind and your heart open.
It has definitely been one crazy 20-year ride……. but it has all been worth it.
We are finally happy.