Thanks everyone for your care and concern about my Doctor’s appointment this morning. I apologize for not posting sooner, but it ended up being a busy day for me and my little dude, and this is the first time I have had to sit down and take…..a…….. BREATH! SIGH!!!….. okay, cola in hand (I know, I probably don’t need the sugar, but one has to stay awake somehow 🙂 and other than a handful of peanuts and wicking moisture from the air, that cola is the only sustenance I have had today…… okay, someone reach out and slap my hand, I know that isn’t too healthy…… and on with the story 🙂
I am lucky enough to have a “Medical Team”, especially the way the Medical System in this province works (or doesn’t work, depending on the way you look at things). I do not mean to sound ungrateful in the least bit…. If there is a CRACK in this system, I have not only fallen through it, but I have hit every tree, ledge, boulder and pebble on the way down. But I will save that for another post for another day. Where was I?
Right, I was supposed to be telling myself how grateful I am for my medical team :). No really, I am. But it can get really frustrating as well. I was working with a pharmacist this morning, in conjunction with my family doctor. We are trying to balance out medications so:
a) I can start getting my pain under control
b) I can try to get some REM sleep, so my body starts to restore itself
c) I need to do this without over dosing, suffering from horrible side effects, or without going crazy first.
We discussed all three this morning… and it went something like this
Them: How are you feeling?
Me: Like hell, I am NOT getting this pain under control.
Them: How have the last few days been?
Me: Besides NOT being able to get out of bed you mean? umm….. shitty.
Them: Well we can try to go up 5mg on drug A, Down 20mg on drug B, take 4 extra of those drug C’s we gave you, and see how you do on that!
Me: But drug A is giving me nasty side effects, so if you are doubling my dose, I am probably going to be really ill. Drug B helps, so I am not sure why you are taking me down on that one, and the reason I don’t take many of those drug C’s is because it makes me really tired and nauseous, and I cannot take care of my son when I take 2 at a time!
Them: But obviously this plans isn’t working either Jolene, so we need to “tweak” it, right?
Me: I totally understand that, but it is entirely something different when YOU are the one going through it, right?
Them: Yes (shaking their heads, full of understanding… and neither suffer from the pain I go through)
Me: Okay, I can try it that way, but I am a bit scared to….. I mean the side effects and all…. that’s a LOT of medication.
Them: But you need to trust us, we wouldn’t be doing this in a harmful way, or if we thought you couldn’t handle it.
Me: So what happens if I take all of that, and I am STILL in desperate amounts of pain?
Them: Well then you will have to come back, and we will think about incorporating Drug D.
Me: So if I am in desperate amount of pain, then I don’t have any other option but to grit my teeth and bear it? Like at 4am, what do I do if I can’t get my pain under control?
Them: Ummm……. hmmmm………. We have a GREAT GAL who just joined our team, she is a psychologist… maybe you should speak to her about cognitive relaxation and breathing techniques to help you through the rough times…..
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FRIGGIN FREAKING FLIPPIN FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh sorry, I just HAD to get that out. You are kidding me, right? I have SEEN every “-gist” “-list” and “-cist” in the COUNTRY! Urologist… Gynecologist….. Endocrinologist…..Neurologist…. Pharmacist….. Psychiatrist…. Sociologist… Psychologist….. Pain Specialist…. Anesthesiologist….. Cardiologist…. hell, I can through in Acupuncturist and Herbologist into the mixture too! And I really do NOT CARE TO EXPLAIN MY LIFE TO YET ANOTHER _OLOGIST! Please believe me, it’s NOT because I am refusing help….. it is because I have already received the help! Over and Over and Over and Over again! And they all say the same things… supply me with the same knowledge, help me arm myself with the same tools….. and I know all that stuff already!
And another thing…… If you can’t control my physical pain with enough medication to numb out an elephant, or at least a large giraffe, then WHY do you THINK that some DEEP BREATHING is going to HELP ME?!?!?
Refer to point c) for a moment… the last part states “or without going crazy first”…… And not like cookoo for cocoa puffs kind of crazy either……. I get SO crazy because I AM FRUSTRATED and I WANT THE PAIN TO STOP PICKING ON ME!!! THAT IS ALL I ASK!! I AM NOT ASKING FOR MUCH, AM I?
Whew….. okay….. Please do NOT adjust your set. This isn’t normally like me…. I really try HARD not to rant…. and I try exceptionally hard to stay positive through even the roughest times. But I have learned that part of what makes me better, is LETTING IT GO once in a while! Stuffing feelings only makes people sicker.
So, as I go to bed tonight, I will take the 5mg more of drug A, I will omit drug B, take 2 drug C’s, and I HOPE that gives me some relief….. if not I have a drug E that causes more side effects than B and C together, but at least I will sleep!
And also, as I go to bed tonight, I am going to thank my lucky stars for ALL of you that are still reading….. if you ARE, that means you stayed with me throughout my WHOLE hissy fit tonight…. and for that, I am forever indebted.
And at least you don’t have to hear me complain like this again for 2 more weeks, until my next Dr’s appt.
Love and hugs to you all!