It’s one of those days when I just cannot seem to get the motivation or the strength to get out of bed! Yep, it is a layyyyyzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyy day!!
My honey is amazing!
He knows that I don’t get a whole lot of sleep at night, especially when I am in a bad flare, so he let me sleep in this morning, and got the little man ready and off to school and let me sleep. Am I ever-blessed or what?!? Does it make me feel guilty? In a word, YES! Did I need the rest? Umm…. Yep! So I try not to feel guilty for too long, and rather count my blessings that I have an amazing man in my life that truly “get’s it”, and gives me the time I need to take care of myself…. If I am in a better place, and happier as a result of taking some time for myself, then family as a whole is happier….. It is a hard lesson for me to learn, because I am ALWAYS fighting the feeling of guilt in some capacity, but I am learning to be a little more gentle with myself on days like this, and concentrate on how blessed I am to have someone SO supportive in my life.
I have spent so many days in the past concentrating on all the negative things that being a Chronic Girl has brought into my life. In a heartbeat it can overwhelm and pull me into a black hole…… And that is a horrible place to be. It is so easy to let the pain talk for you, and fill your head with crap (for lack of a better term). God knows I have been there many many MANY times…. but I am trying to combat the crap with a conscious decision to count my blessings every time I feel the dark creeping in….. and it really works for me.
Pain would like me to believe that I am not worthy…… and then I remind myself that my self-worth comes from WHO I am, not HOW I feel.
Pain would like me to believe that I am ugly……. but I know deep inside that my beauty comes from far within, and that the courage I have to fight this pain makes me more beautiful (As it does many for many of you!)
Pain tells me over and over that I cannot live a normal life…. but who the hell wants to live a normal life anyhow? I can have an extraordinary life IN SPITE OF my illness, and it makes me all the wiser when I can consciously outwit my pain.
It is one of those days that I woke up counting my blessings…. and it went something like this….
Ouch…. oh crap… It’s going to be a long day…. wait, I slept last night!!…. Blessing #1
(Turning over…) UUUGGGHHHH…. crap, that hurt….. oh here comes the burn! Am I going to get up and get my meds in time before this pain gets the better of me?…… Awww…. my honey left me a little love note by the coffee maker. He loves me, and I am so blessed….. Blessing #2
Shit, I don’t think I can be on my feet long, the burning is really bad today……. But, my water-glass is right here, I don’t have to fumble with the cabinet door this morning, and my little man is already at school…. So if I need to go lay down on my heating pad until my meds kick in, then I can!…… Blessing #3
I have to head back to bed…. this nerve pain is just killing me this morning!…..
(the phone rings)
Yikes! Guilt sets in! It’s my honey, and he is doing errands without me! I feel so bad….. I hate when my pain takes me away from spending quality time with him, even when it is doing mundane tasks….. I wonder if he will think I am lazy? I wonder if he will be upset that I didn’t hear him leave?……….. Aww…. he is calling me to tell me he loves me. He tells me he knows that I needed the rest, and didn’t want to disturb me…. He assures me the world hasn’t come to an end because I slept in… and by the way he says…. I will pick up groceries…. I want to make us Veal Marsala for dinner. AWESOME! I don’t have anything pressing to do today, AND I don’t have to make dinner either! I get to relax today and just enjoy the company of my favorite boys!…….. Blessing #4, #5, #6, #7!
By the time my medication took effect this morning, I had counted at least 15 blessings!! How can anyone get lost in a big black hole when they have such a great life?
The pain will ALWAYS want to bring me down….. I can’t prevent it from whispering nasty things in my ear from time to time….. but I am finding a way to safeguard my heart from the feelings that come with it. I am counting my blessings…….
21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27……….
And all of a sudden, One of those days 😦 turns into –
ONE OF THESE DAYS 🙂 🙂 🙂
I hope you stop today to do some counting of your own.
And thank YOU for giving me more reason to count!