The questions I hate most these days are ‘What are you doing? ‘, ‘So what have you been doing lately?’, and my all time fave, ‘So what is it that YOU do?’ (that one is usually asked by people I first meet in relation to what career path I’ve chosen)
What DID, DO, or WILL I?
Absolutely nothing, thanks for asking!!!
Well of course that’s not what I say…. I mean, not out loud anyhow. I usually say ‘not much’ or mumble how being a Mom keeps me busy (If they only knew my son is in Grade 5, makes his own lunch every day and is very independent outside of school.), or I try to just change the subject. ‘What are YOU doing?’ seems to be a good enough reply. People like talking about themselves generally, and are only too happy to take the focus off of me and onto themselves.
Ring ring…. Ring ring…. ‘Hey! How are you? Whatcha doing?’ is how many people start a phone conversation….
And by text, it’s know different. ‘hey? Are you busy? Can you chat?’
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
Now I don’t think I’m THAT cynical, but the more I’m asked that, the less I want to talk to anyone these days.
What seems like an easy and benign question to ask is one of the most painful ones for me to answer. It is extremely frustrating at times. And it is a daily reminder to me of WHAT I AM NOT DOING, and WHAT I CANNOT DO.
I am not driving a car.
I am not going to school.
I am not working, nor am I working towards a career….
Vacuuming? Nope.
Laundry? Not today.
Out with a girlfriend? There aren’t many of those left.
I can’t even chat about a funny conversation I had the other day. Chances are, the conversation did not take place!!
Unless you mean the conversation that I had with my body. I have lots of those. I just don’t like sharing them with too many people.
I sit for 6 hours every day. By myself. Sure, I knit, make jewelry, try to write…. I play with my sweet puppy… I eat lunch (usually). I try and make time go by faster…. And I take a walk in the afternoon when my boy gets out of school.
But there’s only so many times I can stand having conversation about WHAT I’m knitting and whether it rained or not on the way to school!!
This life isn’t just about the pain we feel, the medication we take, or the appointments we have to go to. It doesn’t just effect our HEALTH. It effects everything.
The next time you bitch about your job, or do the laundry…. Remember how privileged you are to be able to do those things.
The next time you want to share an absolutely fascinating conversation you had, or movie you saw…… Remember how lucky you are to share those things.
The next time you stress over your paycheque being too small.. Remember that you HAVE a paycheque, and celebrate the fact that you can earn one at all……
And if you are like me, know that you aren’t alone…. And the next time someone asks you what you’ve been up to ‘these days’, tell them you’ve been working hard. You’ve been climbing insurmountable obstacles and working hard to be the hero in your own life.
XOXOXO
You are the most honest person i know about your illness and you say what i want to and can’t think of the words.
Joleene you should becomes a author. I mean that…. just think about it.
Keep on writting sweetheart you do my heart and mind good. If you help one person your a hero.
Love, Nancy
Nancy, I am always so humbled by your words, and your encouragement. I’d LOVE to be able to make writing my career… I just never thought I was good enough for that. The opportunity to have this blog, and get feedback has changed my mind a little
Thank you so much for your friendship, and encouragement. It means the world to me.
xoxoxoxoxo
Thank you for reminding me of the things I should be grateful for. I am working fulltime, haven’t given up driving (yet though we’ll see what my eyes have in store for me), and occasionally am able to go out with a friend.
The question that bugs me the most is when people call me at home, I tell them I’m out sick today and they say, “AGAIN??? When are they going to fix what’s wrong with you?”. Apparently my chronic illness bothers them. Either that or they are just as frustrated with my constant agony as I am.
Hi pretty lady! It’s great to see you fibromama!
GOOD FOR YOU that you are still working! I am SURE it is a challenge every single day, but you are DOING IT! I am proud of you! I SO wish I could work! The other thing people say to me that REALLY makes me angry is “Oh it must be so nice to be a stay at home Mom, and ALWAYS be there for your family!” Um, yes, it is nice… it is also the hardest thing I ever had to do…. I don’t have that identity you get from being in the workforce. I don’t have something like that that belongs to just ME. And I am terminally bored. I don’t get to have adult conversation, I don’t get to have that feeling of accomplishment. I really miss working… It was so long ago that I can hardly remember what it is like. I do know that I probably bitched a lot about having to work, and dreamed of the day I could retire early then… Now I would give anything to be able to be in that kind of environment! YOU GO GIRL! I can just imagine how difficult it must be for you some days when you have to work and have that responsibility while being in pain at the same time…. My hat is off to you, I have a great deal of respect!!
I think a lot of those “AGAIN!!!!” type comments come from an ignorant point of view. Don’t get me wrong, not ignorant as in the nasty definition of the word. I mean ignorant as in they just don’t understand. The people who say that to you might benefit from this approach….. You can tell them something like this… “I know it seems like I call in sick regularly, but I want you to understand why. Imagine that you get the worst flu bug you could possibly imagine. Not the kind of flu that just gives you the sniffles and a sore throat. Imagine you contract the H1N1 flu that effects every single part of your body. And then imagine that the aches and pain this flu causes becomes so acute and so severe that you have to head to the hospital, and they admit you, give you IV painkillers and fluids, and prepare you that it will get worse before it gets better, and they quarantine you in a hospital room, by yourself, for 10 days. After those 10 days you get to go home, but you are incredibly week from the virus, and end up in bed for another week before you can even get the strength to get up, walk around, and start living your life again…. Well that kind of illness has an ‘end’. Mine does not. It effects my body just the same, but I never get to the point that I recover and move on from it. I live with it every day.
Thanks for reminding me that- when the laundry and dishes are done at the same time I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING. Its not easy being in pain 3 or 5 days out of the week.
Hi Symanntha! What a beautiful spelling of your name!!
YOU accomplish MORE every day than any ‘normal’ person does… What ever your ‘titles’ may be… sister, daughter, friend, spouse, etc… those things are much harder for us. WE have to work harder just to get out of bed, make our coffee, take a shower, communicate with our loved ones… If you think of EVERY thing you do as an accomplishment, then you are WAY ahead of the game!
I was bedridden for 18 months at one point, and wasn’t able to do anything… so I know how far I have come since then. I am VERY hard on myself, and feel useless most days, but when I remind myself of where I came from, I have to admit that days when I have been able to load the dishwasher and put a load of laundry in are SUCCESSFUL days!!
I can relate so much to this. “What do you do?” is my least favourite thing that anybody can say to me. It always brings up frustration that I then have to deal with – I haven’t quite figured out how to stop that from happening yet. Thank you for sharing this post, it’s nice to find others to relate to, even if it’s about unpleasant challenges
Hi Hayley,
Thanks so much for posting a comment! They all mean so much to me, and I love being able to make friends in this community. I hate that question also…. I think for many those questions are a trigger, and release all sorts of emotions and thoughts in us. It is horrible to have to trip over your tongue every time you are asked those things…. I haven’t perfected my ‘answer’… far from it… I was asked that same question this past week by another Mom at my son’s hockey game… I said “I support other women who life with chronic illness and chronic pain, like I do”…. It shut her right up, and she treated me like I had the plague… LOL! I guess that wasn’t the right answer!!
xoxoxoxo
I haven’t done this yet when asked the question but I want to say something like “being a health care manager.”
THAT is a great answer!!!!!!