For the last 3 years I have been seeing a pharmacist/consultant and my Doctor on a monthly basis to try to come up with the right ‘cocktail’ or combination of medications to help me manage my pain.
It has been one of the hardest ‘tests’ of patience, and one of the most deflating experiences of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I am not looking for the ‘magic’ pill to cure everything that ails me. I gave up on that a long long time ago. I know that I most likely will have to deal with all of these issues for the rest of my life, and for the most part I have fully come to terms with that. I mean, what choice do we have, right? Sometimes it is easier to let sleeping dogs lie, and not constantly poke them with a stick and expect them to remain peaceful…..
I do not remember a life before this one, nor do I remember what it is like to live without medication, but this journey has been really hard for me, and most days I feel like throwing my hands up in the air as a sign of defeat. Sorry. I am being honest here…. Let me explain…..
The first 20 drugs I was on, I went into the experience with a great deal of hope (and yes, I did say TWENTY drugs…. I have been on many many more than this even….). Every time I was given a new drug to take, I felt ‘encouraged’ for lack of a better word… I felt hope that maybe THIS one was the right one for me… maybe THIS time I was going to feel better… maybe THIS combination was finally the right one…
But they never were,
and all of those drugs came with side-effects,
and when they didn’t work I would have to try to wrap my head around quitting them,
and not feeling like I had somehow failed..
Only to go through moderate to severe withdrawal/discontinuation syndrome…
Rid EVERY sign that my body ever relied on that particular drug….
just to do it all over again. Whew!
Now maybe to some it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal… You go off of one, and go onto another, and all the while, keep your chin up, keep the house clean, keep the family happy, and sing la la la, all the home!!
Maybe the first 20 times I tried, I succeeded in keeping it all in perspective, and had a smile on my face. The days the smile wasn’t there, my Doctor just thought I was depressed and suggested yet another medication anyhow… So at best I kept a fake smile on my face to avoid ANOTHER PILL.
But after my Topamax NIGHTMARE (for those who don’t know, I wrote a previous post about my experience on this drug), I… well…. to be frank, I gave up trying, I hit a wall, I got really angry, and then I just became jaded about the whole thing entirely….. I also ran out of options….
I have been on every FDA approved drug there is in Canada for Neuropathy…. and none have helped…..
I have been on every pain killer that my Doctor will allow me to take (note: I could still try a few that are FDA approved, but my Doctor won’t allow it).
I have tried numerous drugs and combinations of off label drugs, but they never really helped, and most just made me sick…..
And as my health declined, and I ended up with even more symptoms and problems, the drugs that were somewhat effective started being less effective, and then even MORE drugs were added to the mix…
STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!!!
One of the last drugs I tried was Cymbalta, and after having yet another horrid reaction, and an even more horrid withdrawal, I said ‘ENOUGH!!!!’ I am NOT playing this game ANYMORE!!!
Yes, I have been depressed at times, WHO WOULDN’T?? But it isn’t the kind of depression that medication will fix anyhow… I am one of those weird few who cannot take antidepressants don’t, they make me MORE depressed! This type of depression is a result of medical treatment, not the lack thereof.
I JUST NEEDED A BREAK from the insanity that IS this Chronic Life!!!
So where am I now?
I am ‘maintaining’ the drug regimen that I essentially started out with! LOL! Really?! All of that to end up where I was?? I guess I need to laugh, because if I didn’t, I’d surely be crying!
I have run out of options in medication, so I am looking YET again for options outside the conventional medical world to help treat my pain, and I am taking a stand….
What I put inside my body is MY DECISION, MY CHOICE, MY RIGHT… As it is yours…
I have jumped through every hoop, dodged every bullet, and hurdled every obstacle that has been put in my way by Doctors, Specialists, Practitioners, Therapists etc… But now it is MY TURN to lead, and my right to be in control….
No more ‘cocktails’ for me right now, and no more new drugs… I know what is right for ME at the moment, and that isn’t it. What may be right for me tomorrow might not be right for me today, but it is time for me to feel in control of my body once again, and lead this journey to recovery, and not be led anymore…..
It hasn’t been an easy road, for me, or for my family and loved ones… it isn’t easy to watch, I am sure you all can relate!! In the process it is soooooo easy to lose SELF, lose HOPE, lose connections with others, lose IDENTITY…..
But one thing I know for SURE is, WE CANNOT DO THIS ALONE, WE CANNOT BELIEVE THAT WE HAVE FAILED, WE CANNOT STAND IN JUDGMENT OF OURSELVES, and WE CANNOT LOSE HOPE!!!!
So yes, I fall just like everyone else does…. and I am not positive all of the time…. but even when I feel like I’ve given up, I have to realize, I really haven’t…. I just need to find the right path…..
Just for today, change your perspective…. what might seem like INSANITY might just lead you back to a place you’ve been longing for….
Sometimes PEACE is better medicine than anything you have been prescribed…..
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