To my Doctors office that is… 4 appointments in four weeks starting today…. Sometimes keeping my appointments feels like a full-time job.
Maybe I should just move in? *note my sarcasm….
I just don’t feel like I am getting anywhere lately. It is two steps forward, two steps back… two steps forward, two steps back…. I am doing an intimate dance with my pain everyday. It pushes me, I push back… and like I tell my little dude all the time – someone has to be the bigger person and end a bad situation. If he was having an argument with one of his classmates, I would tell him that it will go on forever unless someone ends the cycle… Funny that I cannot take my own advice at times… I need to end this vicious cycle I have gotten into with my pain, but I get to the point where I don’t know what else to do BUT react every time the pain picks on me.. it pushes me… I push back…
My meds haven’t been working for a while now, and I have been taking over-the-counter meds in between all my other meds to try to take the edge off… and those don’t work either. I am not going to start playing pharmacist at home, so I am going to stop taking drugs of the over-the-counter variety and try to trust in the process… which is really hard to do when you are in desperate pain.
My Doctor is compassionate as she speaks with me, but I don’t know if she truly understands what it is like to live this life. How can she?
My Pharmacist is sympathetic when he talks to me, even when I raise my voice and form clenched fists in frustration. He truly wants to help, and I am sure he gets frustrated when he can’t.
‘BUT THIS IS CLEARLY NOT WORKING!’ I am trying to vocalize through tears… this pain is too much.. and I am tired.. and I need relief… And NO, I am not depressed, I am ANGRY… I do my best to live the most balanced life I can, but I am human. I accept this is my life, but can’t I have moments of resentment and rage? Isn’t that better than being complacent and unaffected? At least I am letting myself FEEL… and then when the cork is out, and all the contents spilled.. I will pick up and start again.
Sometimes I wish I could just move right in to my Doctor’s office, so she could get a better picture as to what this life is like at times… I know nobody can walk in my shoes, but I wish they could, if only it would give them a glimpse of what living gracefully with agony feels like. Sometimes ‘Grace’ isn’t in the equation. Sometimes I have UGLY moments… Sometimes this pain would be too much for anyone to handle – not just me.
I have 3 more appointments booked between now and December 1st….
I hope my next appointment is a little less frustrating.
I hope to be much more “Graceful” next time….
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