I HATE CANCER….. I hate it… The dreaded ‘c’ word…. It sends shivers up my spine, makes my stomach flip-flop, produces a visceral reaction in my body…. It scares terrifies me…. It makes me sad…
My Dad has fought a huge battle against this horrible disease… and so far he has conquered it. He is my hero. He is the hero of many who know him. I don’t know if I could do what he has done. I don’t know if I have the courage he has found somewhere inside him. He lives with grace, strength, tenacity, and humor… and if I can only be half of what my Dad is, I will be able to get through anything.
When we got the news that the biopsy came back positive, it wasn’t cut and dry.. It wasn’t an easy diagnosis, and a straight forward treatment… We were told he had a rare form of this disease…. and ultimately treatment would not ‘cure’ him… We were told to help Dad get his “affairs” in order…. In a moment my life was forever changed.
I watched my Dad as he gracefully accepted whatever ‘fate’ would end up being his… I watched him fight through months of chemotherapy that almost killed him… I watched him learn about tubes and pouches, and how they were now a part of his everyday life…. but mostly I watched the man I have always looked up to set an example for the rest of us… He set the pace in our family… He allowed us to talk about it… He made it okay to cry in front of him… He took the wheel, and led us through the journey… and when he tired he let my Mom take the wheel. My sister and I went from being “adult children” to being ‘kids’ again… and we looked to our parents to lead by example… and they did. My Mom carried all of us at times in her strong arms. I don’t quite know how she did it. She fought incredibly hard for my Dad, and at the same time helped us all find healing in our hearts. She is a powerhouse… and she is also my hero.
Those first few horrendous weeks turned into a month… and that month turned into the next… and as time went by my Dad got stronger… and we went from being terrified of his prognosis to finding a glimmer of hope to eventually giving cancer the middle finger (respectfully so)… Each time he went for his check up and we were given encouraging news we spoke of cancer less and less, and got more comfortable with living life…. Cancer became something we ‘lived’ with instead of something controlling our lives. Call it complacency if you like, but I don’t think that is what it was – I think it was HOPE.
The one year mark went by… and then the two-year mark… and as of the last check my Dad was “clear”… and not only is my dad my hero, he is my miracle….
Yesterday I found out that someone very close to my family might be facing the same battle… and I am terrified once again…. Sometimes knowledge doesn’t dispel fear… I guess there is always an exception to the rule…
It makes me cry…. Selfishly I don’t want to have to go through this again because feeling ‘helpless’ is just about the worst feeling ever. But more than anything, I don’t want her to have to fight this fight… she doesn’t deserve it – but nobody truly ever does… It makes me so angry, and sad, and scared….In a heartbeat it has brought everything back. I am once again terrified, not only for this wonderful lady who is facing the fight, but for my Dad as well…
My Dad has another check-up scheduled for next month… and this beautiful lady is facing her potential ‘fate’ next month as well….
Please keep both of them in your prayers…
And if you find an extra prayer, can you say one for the rest of my family please? This is a family disease…. and I hate it…
Hugs and love to all of you
Wow! I can relate to much in this post. My dad is home from having half of his right lung removed as well as the cancerous mass. We are now awaiting news on the lymph nodes.
I think you hit on something in this post. While cancer is scary and challenging, living our lives in spite of cancer is the goal, I think.
I will most definitely be praying for you ‘whole’ family and for you. This kind of stress really caused my pain levels to rocket sky high, so I pray that you are at as much peace as possible so your pain does not increase.
BTW, maybe a nice distraction, the dress (in the color I’m getting) is on my blog today. Thought you might to take a look at it.
I’m standing with you in prayer, my friend!
Hey Sweets… You have been deep in my thoughts the past while. How is your dad doing hon? I can really relate to the process you are going through, and I am here for you whenever you need a friend. Cancer is unfortunately something I have had quite a bit of experience with.
I lost both my ex Mother and Father-in-law to the disease, and then my Dad was diagnosed, my Grandpa, and my honey’s Dad… It has been a lot to take.
I have been going through a flare as well, but it has been because of my whole life changing with my new puppy! LOL! We are just starting to get a routine down now. It is like having a newborn baby again! LOL! I cannot imagine my life without her already though, and she gives me so much love.
I’ve left a comment about your dress on your blog… SO BEAUTIFUL!!!
I love you girl…. and I am sorry I have been so behind in blogging and reading blogs… I have been a bit overwhelmed the past few weeks!
XOXO
I will pray for all of you. My grandpa is fighting prostate cancer. One of my best friends as well. They are both beating the beast! Stay positive. Your dads strength and humor will pull him through!
Tammy
Thanks sweets… I lost my Grandpa last year to a VERY long battle with prostate cancer. He was 92 years old though, and it was a huge relief when he finally let go. Cancer sucks, and I get angry that it seems like it is a ‘common denominator’… I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been affected by it!! I lost both my ex mother and father-in-law to the disease as well… It has been one after another after another….
My Dad is the most amazing man I have ever known… and only HE can do things the way he does… LOL! He defines strong…. and I love him more than I can express.
XOXOXO How are you doing honey? I have been SO busy this past few weeks, I feel SO out of the loop LOL!
Missing you and thinking about ya girl.. I hope you are surviving!